...Museful Mindings

So chaps sometime has past since I last spouted my mind splurges all over this here blog and I think it's safe to say not much more development has happened. Or has it? (This is where I pause for dramatic effect.)

This time my musings have been prompted by a song. A very good song by a very good artist. Emeli Sande. (Sorry Ems haven't got one of those accent things on my laptop so the normal "e" will just have to suffice.) Her song "Daddy" reminds me of all the shitty men I've had the unfortunate pleasure of knowing. Made me think about love all over again. But I won't start, otherwise we'd be here for years. 

On a happier note my social exprementation is going well. Apart from the fact I seem to attract the strange older man, who is in fact old enough to be my dad, winking at me. Yes thats right, winking. It's an absurd idea that said dating site feels is exactly the right way to go about "breaking the ice". It doesn't break the ice and in fact is rather creepy, especially if they "wink" at you everyday. I do feel like I've got enough "material" to write a whole series of books - but that was the point wasn't it? I may add a few characters into the new story I'm writing. Well I say writing, it's knocking around up here somewhere, it just won't let me write it down - yet.

I am getting itchy feet though. Not from my social experimentation, that would be a weird side effect wouldn't it? Doubt it would deter the weirdos though... No I think it's the change of season. I need a little bit of excitement, need to get the cobwebs out and start the old engine again. Go on holiday, in fact just go away, somewhere - anywhere!! My trip to Cambodia is on the horizon, so for now the thought of that will keep me going. In the meantime I may just go get another tattoo.

Oh and the date went very well.

For now chaps adios, hopefully the sun will come out and my mood will perk up.

Heres hoping.

...Joe - Chapter 8 pt 2

Chapter 8 pt 2

 

Enough.

This had gone on too long and I'm sick of it. It's been three weeks and all I've done is sit in the fucking dark, drinking myself sick and smoking till my eyes roll back. Thank God Sainsburys and my new dealer delivers. Otherwise I'd be fucked, more so then I am already.

I've got to get up. I've got to shower, I need to eat properly and I need to get out of this fucking house. So what if Jonie doesn't want me. So what if she hasn't bothered to call me in three fucking weeks. So what if my life is completely and utterly fucked. I don't need Jonie, I can make new friends, in fact I can make my old friends. 

 

I look around the camp I made myself in the living room and I wonder where I left my phone. I stand up (well not without a little trouble), scattering three weeks worth of crumbs and knocking over the mini “Beer Mahal” I made myself. I sigh, that took a whole day. At least the mini “Beerful Tower” and “Beerkinham Palace” are still standing erect. Ha erect. I search through the debris that is my living room and I find my phone nestled in between the armchair cushions and the underwear I remembered to change. It's dead and I'm not surprised. I look for the charger and notice that the cable is hanging out of my laptop so I plug it in and sit down. I wait a few minutes and turn it on. It gives a satisfactory beep and I lean back on the sofa, squishing a mountain of empty orange juice cartons. I grab my rizla, tobacco, weed and grinder and start the rolling process. I've gotten so good it takes only a matter of minutes before I'm lighting the sucker and retreating into my own happy world again.

A few hours later I emerge, fuzzy headed and hungry. I scan the floor for something edible but my eyes bring me nothing back. Fuck. I guess I have to rejoin the natural world. I get up and I feel like I'm on a boat, I honestly don't think I'll make it to my bedroom to shower. I get up one flight of stairs and call it a day. I head towards the bedroom on the left and I freeze. Hand reaching out but not quite touching the handle. I haven't been in this room since I moved in six years ago. It was my dads room and all his stuff is still in there. The same as he left it all those years ago when him and his new family stopped coming to London for holidays. Apparently it wasn't exotic enough for his thorough bred clan. I take a deep breath and turn the handle, pushing open the door in one swift gesture. The door sighs at the effort its has to make after all these years. It hits the dresser behind the door with a thud sending dusty costume jewellery scattering to the floor. I look around the room from the doorway. Dust particles are dancing in the light and I'm hit with an overwhelming smell of musk. In my current state it's all too much and I feel the bile rising in my throat. I'm gonna be sick. I lurch into the room, groping at the pieces of furniture that aren't moving and yank open the bathroom door. I make it to the toilet just in time. Everything that I've eaten in the past three weeks comes back up and trust me it's not a lot.

My body heaves, forcing my back to arch and my stomach to cramp, throwing up another load into the waiting porcelain bowl. After fifteen minutes I sit back, wiping my mouth on my soiled shirt and drying my running eyes with the back of my hand. I lean against the cold bathtub and muse at how warm the floor feels. Must be under floor heating, shame it's not in the rest of the house.

I stare at the empty room through the open door and I feel numb. The only thing I can think is that this room is so much nicer then mine, seeing as mine looks like the aftermath of a third world bombing. I didn't get round to cleaning up after that day and instead closed the door on it. I'll deal with it eventually. Maybe I'll hire a cleaner.

I heave my body onto the side of the bath and push the plug into the hole and turn the hot water on. The bath is a bit dusty so I have to switch the tap to the hose and rinse it down. The dirty water builds up coz I forgot to take the plug out so I have to attend to that, then wash the bath down again and put the plug in and finally turn the hot fucking water on. Man, that was a lot more work then I bargained for. I stand and flush the toilet, watching the sick swirl down gives me a weird nostalgic feeling. I take a deep breath and turn towards the room. I have to face it sometime.

It's been decorated in “neutral colours” meaning it looks like a stripy cappuccino monster threw up everywhere then passed out in the corner and someone mistook it for a bed. Apart from that the room isn't too bad. It's so bright, the tall bay windows filling the room from floor to ceiling with its brilliant glow. Compared to the shit hole upstairs this feels like a palace. I wish the rest of the house felt this way. I may have to move down here.

The sound of running water jolts me out of my daydream and I turn back into the bathroom. The water in the tub is only half filled and I have a desperate urge to fill it with bubbles. Lots and lots of bubbles. I dive towards the cupboard under the sink and yank the door open with all the stealth of a ninja. I rummage around the shelves, the smell of lavender and strawberry filling my nose. I find a bottle of strawberry bubble bath that hasn't been opened, so I crack the lid and take a deep breath. I'm instantly reminded of my mum and I feel a pang of guilt coz I've been ignoring her recently. I pledge to be a better son and ninja roll towards the bath tub dumping half the bottle into it. Within a few minutes the scent of my mum feels the room. 

I ninja crawl back to the cupboard and rummage around a bit more. I find expired aspirin, ibuprofen and half empty deodorants. A packet of razors, a pair of scissors, an expired packet of condoms and a half used packet of Viagra. I instantly throw the Viagra into the corner of the room and feel vile. Dirty old sod. 

 

I grab the razors and the scissors and look at myself in the mirror. My hair has grown outrageously wild and I’ve got a hobo beard. It's time for a haircut. I shoot a quick glance at the rapidly filling tub and judge that I've got at least five minutes till I have to turn the water off. So I pick up the scissors and poise it over my beard. Here goes nothing.

I start cutting, slowly at first, my heart pounding with every strand that falls. I'm half way through and my face looks so much better. I finish my beard off with gusto and I turn my attention to my hair.

I notice that the sound of running water is getting deeper and I turn the taps off just in time.

I look in the mirror and run a hand through my hair. Bye hair. You hold so many fucked up memories. It's time for a fresh start. I pick the scissors back up again and I hesitate, just for a minute, hands poised in position and I take in a deep breath. I breathe in light and positivity and I breath out all the shit.

“It's one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready so here I go.”

...mindful musings.

These are just gentle ramblings from the thoughts that have been spinning around my head these last couple of weeks. Lately I've been thinking about love. Or what love should be like and like all my musings it all started with a book. A good book but a book that explored the depths that one would go to secure their love and never, ever let it go. Sounds a bit deep right? Well it was. And it's got me thinking.
How did it start?
It started with a kiss right?
Or with a look?
An attraction, something indefinable but acute nonetheless.

Do we all know what we want or are we latching onto a love that we think we need because of all the films that are out at the moment. Think about it, the last lot of films that came out of Hollywood last year were about fuck buddies. Fuck buddies who then fall into love. Or should I say "love". About vampires and humans falling madly in love and that possessive-ness that comes from an all consuming love. But that's what it's all about right? That's what I want, right? I want to be consumed, to be needed. That comfort you feel from another person. But then is it the need for love of comfort?  Are the two interchangeable? Do I just need to be comforted? Should I just get another cat?!

But will that stop the feeling of desire, the feeling to be wanted, loved?

As a social experiment (or so I keep telling myself) I joined a dating website, you know to gain a few new character perspectives etc and I'm mortified. I never thought I'd be one of  those people. You know, that kind of person who can't interact normally with other human beings so they decide to go online instead were they can hide behind a computer screen. Alas I was wrong, well only a little bit wrong. Some of them do seem like jumped up weirdos who are looking for a Thai bride. But some are not. Apparently after 3 days I have been deemed one of the normals and I have scored myself a date with a seemingly normal human being. Fingers crossed.

It doesn't distract from my previous point however. A point that I'm not sure where the end arguement lies or where I'm exactly going with it. It's a question that I do feel needs an answer. Whether or not I'll get one is another question entirely. More "social experimentation" methinks.

I did need to get this off my chest, or should I say my mind so I can sleep a dreamless sleep tonight.

Heres hoping.

...Joe - Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Days go by and I feel empty. She doesn't call me, no one calls me. I keep thinking I hear her coming through the door and I wait, here in my room, in my bed, but she doesn't come. So I lie here, in my dirty sheets and wait. I won't move till Jonie comes back. I refuse to think about what happened, about what I did. My brain however wants the opposite, and keeps replaying that night over and over again and every time the shame buries itself a little deeper and I'm afraid that this time I won't be able to recover.

I don't eat, shower or shave. My hair keeps getting longer and I only get up when I need to piss or you know, shit. I don't know how long I can go on like this. I watch the clock, the clock watches me and I listen to the sounds of my house and reacquaint myself with my loneliness. We may as well get used to each others company.

It's now been seven days since Jonie left and my stomach finally forces me out of my bed and into my barren kitchen. The breads mouldy and the milks gone sour. The only thing within sell by date is a block of mouldy mature cheddar or beer, so I grab the beer. After a few gulps I feel a bit better but I know to have to eat something – man cannot survive on beer alone. I contemplate going down to the corner shop in my seven day stink clothes and my stomach lurches. I can't go to the corner shop, I can't face “Phillip” or Leon or whatever the fuck his name was. I can't go where I used to go or do the things I used to do because in every corner of my life Jonies there. Her ghost lingering. Reminding me of my loss.

I down the beer and grab another one from the fridge. I slam the door and slam my head against it's cool exterior. I'm so fucking tired. I should go shopping, fuck I probably should shower. I sniff under my arms and I think I smell okay. Maybe the shower can wait.

 

I slowly walk back to my room, every surface of my house reminds me of her. I don't know what to do about this feeling, the memories of our relationship follow me around and I so desperately want to speak to her. I miss her so much. We haven't gone this long before without speaking to each other. We went everywhere together, holidays, shopping, drinking. We even went to Universities within train distance of each other. We were never to far away. Ever.

I wander into my room and look around. I should get dressed, it'll probably make me feel better. I pick up the first T-shirt I see off the floor. It's that fucking green Fred Perry polo shirt from that day. I scrunch it in my fist, I feel angry, so irrationally angry. I blame the polo shirt for bringing me such bad luck, in fact I curse you Fred Perry your clothes brought along my downfall. May all your profits burn. I am so angry I'm shaking. I throw the polo shirt as hard as I can and it hits the wall with a thud and springs back off. My beer spills a little from the force of my previous outburst and it makes me even more angry – hulk angry, so I throw that as well, it hits the floor and fizzes everywhere. I start throwing anything I can get my hands on. Cups, clothes, books, shoes, newspapers, plates. I drag the duvet off my bed and I hurl it across the room, the pillows follow and I upend the mattress and rip the curtains from the poles. 

 

I accidentally smash a picture of Jonie and my anger instantly dies. I pick up the frame and shake the picture free. It's an old picture, taken on the last day of Secondary school. We look so young, so fucking happy together and then that night comes flooding back and I'm crying again, so hard it's making my body shake and I can't breathe, I can't get a grip on what’s happened. It seems so unreal. I clutch the picture to my chest and curl up in the mess I made. Seems fitting doesn't it?

...Resolutions.

I never make resolutions. But seeing as it's 2012 and 2011 was so shockingly shit, I figured why not? Why not try to give myself a little luck for this year? Lets just hope it doesn't become a list of my failures. *sigh* well enough of that, no more moping, no more doubt. Let the list and a brilliant 2012 begin (I do realsie it's the middle of January but I'm slow on the uptake - it's on my list.) Happy 2012!


1. Be more positive! It's so much more attractive then negativity and people will want to be around you.

2. Smile more! Smile so much it's makes your fucking cheeks ache.


3. Keep saying yes to opportunities and make more time for yourself.

4. Do not doubt your talent. It's there and it's real and it's something to be proud of. 


5. Let go of the past and the things that burn. Everything that happens is an experience that should be celebrated, even if it hurts, something positive will grow from it. 


6. Eat healthily. It'll make you feel better. 


7. Finally - TRAVEL!!! It will enrich you more then anything else. And don't be afraid to go alone. 

...Joe - Chapter 7

Chapter 7

I wake up in my room. The street lights letting me know it's evening and I've missed most of my day. The last thing I remember is being in the park and being so fucking hot. Everything aches. My body feels like I just ran a marathon and I have a very strange feeling I didn't do very well. I heave myself onto my elbows and see Jonie curled up in my favourite chair, reading her favourite book. It takes her a while to realise that I'm up and more importantly staring at her.

“Joe! Thank God, I thought you'd gone into a coma or something” .

I smile, she puts down her book and comes to sit next to me, curling her legs under her body. She looks so tired, this close up I can see that her usually bright grey eyes have dimmed a little. 
 

“I first thought you were asleep, but you didn't look right and your breathing was all weird. I touched your arm and it was so cold and sticky Joe. So I asked a group of tourists next to me if they'd watch you and I didn't know if they understood but they nodded, so I left you and found a park keeper man and he came and took a look at you and he was like “that's sunstroke and you need to get him inside”. So to cut a long story short I grabbed a cab and park keeper man helped me get you into it and then the cabbie helped me get you into bed and you've been asleep for the past four hours. I was so fucking worried Joe, don't ever do something like that again.”

With that she throws her arms around me and I can feel it bubbling up inside me and I can't push it down, I need to let it out.

“I can't have that party.”

Jonie pulls away from me and looks me right in the eyes.

“What?”

“I can have this party, I'm sorry”

“What do you mean you're sorry Joe? What's happened? You were so up for it”

“I just can't have a party! Simple.”

“That's so fucking typical.”

Jonie stands up suddenly, clearly pissed off with me, but I don't understand why. It's just a party for fucks sake. I don't know why she's getting so emotional about it.

“You are so fucking selfish. As soon as something happens that you don't like, you get like this and I'm so fucking tired of it. Do you honestly think everyone and everything revolves around you?”

“For fuck sake it's only a party, I don't understand why you're getting so wound up”

“No Joe of course you don't understand because you don't want to understand. But why would you want to? Urgh, I'm such an idiot! If it's not to do with Anna then you don't wanna know. You are so fucking blinded Joseph. Have you ever thought about me? I really wanted to have this party, I've been struggling lately if you haven't noticed and I really needed some fun for fuck sake. You don't think do you?”

I didn't realise how she'd been feeling and now she's crying and I feel like a right dickhead. I sit up properly and rub my head.

“Jo, I'm sorry”

“Oh fuck off Joseph! I've had enough of being your fucking crutch. I can't do this anymore”

Everything stops being. I can't find the right words to say and she's turning and leaving. I can't let her leave. If she leaves then who's left?

“Jonie!”

I throw off the covers and swing my legs out of the bed and run after her. My legs stumble a little along the way, not used to the effort I'm forcing through them. I catch up to her in the hallway and grab her by the arm.

“Jonie please, I'm sorry, you can't leave me please, please Jo don't leave me, I love you.”

“I love you too but we need space, this relationship isn't healthy for either of us.”

“What? No, no, you can't go, I’ll change I promise, Jonie please, let's talk about this.”

I'm crying and she's crying and I don't know what else to do, I feel so pathetic and alone and I can't let her leave but she's trying to wriggle free from my grip so I tighten it and pull her closer in towards me.

“Just remember Jo, please remember, all those times we had that were fantastic and this is just a bump in our road.”

“Is it Joe? This bump has been going on for a while and I can't get a grip on my life if I'm always trying to fix yours.”

I don't know what to say, she's giving me a look I've never seen before and it hurts so much. She seems so sure that I'm the problem so, I must be. Everyone I love leaves me. She slips her arm out of my hand and tip toes to put a kiss on my cheek. Her tears are warm and salty and I know that this will probably be the last time I'll ever get to feel her lips against my skin. She goes and I stare at the empty space where she once stood. My inside are colliding with each other and I feel sick and stupid. I don't know what to do, I can't function without her. I can't leave it like this.

I run down the rest of the hallway and stumble down the two flights of stairs to the ground floor and grab Jonie before she makes it to the front door and I kiss her. I put every feeling I have for her into that kiss and and her lips are so soft and this feels so right. She has to feel how perfect this is.

But she pushes me away and she slaps me hard across the face and I'm stunned. She looks so angry, but didn't she get it? Didn't she feel what I feel for her? Didn't she feel how much I love her?

“Joseph, no. It doesn't work like that”.

Jonie turns away from me. Picks up her bag and opens the front door. She turns to look at me before she leaves and I can't look her in the eye. I've never seen her like this before and it's all my fault. She leaves, the door closes and my life ends.

I've fucked it.

...To Be Loved.

To be loved.

And I lay on his chest

And I sighed and I laughed,

And he cried.

A life without love I would die,

To not touch your lips

The soft of your kiss

Would be death.

My heart would just stop,

And I think it would rot

And not be part of this world where we live.

To be loved,

To be kissed.

To have the knowledge that we are just this.

That space wouldn’t matter

And time would just shift.

Love doesn’t have a set course,

Just a rift.

And I swooned.

I felt his heartbeat

And his touch bitter sweet,

And I knew

That love without him isn’t true,

That we both together are two

Shapes of a heart,

That beat and are part of a clue.

To be loved,

That is all that I need to get through.