Monday, 30 April 2012

...If Jesus Was An Emo.

If Jesus was an Emo
I bet he'd be a bad ass.
Floppy hair
And bright green jeans
Would be his staple a-fair.

He'd rock out in a band called Craze
His music would be shocking,
Full (and) deep and full of soul
He'd get the fans all rocking.

Their songs would all be number ones,
The best being “Grace Mistaken”.
Undisputed, totally loved,
The world being their own making.

He'd party till his feet gave in
And then lie in bed all brooding,
The weight of the world weighing on his back
Would make him feel seclusive.

The years and drugs would take it's toll
His body would be battered,
He did it for the love of man,
Or music,
It wouldn't matter.

If Jesus was an Emo,
I'd bet he'd be a bad ass.
The rabbles King
The Saint of 6 string flair.

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

...Bemused Bumble

Right so this weeks bumble comes courtesy of those beloved chuggers. Now don't get all antsy this isn't a post about how much I despise them always getting in my way, demanding my bloody money or God forbid not even caring about the charity their working for. No none of this is relevant. I myself use to be a chugger. I lasted all of two weeks. I personally found it soul wrenching and my poor ego just couldn't stand the day to day hit. I like myself too much and couldn't put myself out there in the way they wanted. I took every "no" personally.

However I digress. Me being a chugger or should I say an ex-chugger has nothing to do with what I want to talk about.

I was approached the other day by a very young, good looking chap who proceeded to tell me why he didn't want me to sign up for any monthly contract but he did want me to send a text to the company donating a small amount of money. So I did. Then they called and signed me up to a 3 quid a month package *sigh*.  So why did I get sucked in? Mainly because he was an attractive young man and this got me thinking. (About chugging, not about how attractive he was. Come on now people he was like 19 that's pratically a baby.) The companies that employ these young people must only employ attractive young people. Makes sense doesn't it? No one wants to be approached and harassed by an unattractive person do they? If someone gravely disfigured and smelly came up to you asking for your money for their chosen charity would you give it to them? Probably not. But if their attractive it makes a hell of a lot of difference doesn't it? Sounds harsh but it's the truth. You wouldn't give you money to someone who you don't find attractive, even just a little bit? It does sound wrong but that's the world we live in. Think about it. I mean really, really think about. (It all comes back down to the real hair incident again really doesn't it).

Anyway I'm gonna pause my thought there before it goes too deep and I end up sounding like a crazy...

I will however be turning 25 next month and it is a slight cause for concern, mainly because the 5 year old me planned for so much more to have happened by now (I was meant to be working for the post office dammit. That however is another story!) So I'm throwing a party and trying to forget my life isn't quite where I would want it to be and I will drink my home spiced rum and have a good time. I'll appreciate the good friends I have around me and I'll savour the moments which make me smile. Something I find hard to do but something this new man friend of mine has been (unknowingly) teaching me. Who knows 25 may be a golden year.

Heres hoping.

Wednesday, 11 April 2012



Breathe out.
Then next time I breathe in
You'll be gone.
Forever hopefully.

I'll stop checking your facebook
and your blogger
and you twitter
and I'll stop thinking about what went wrong.

What I did wrong.

I'm still holding my breathe
Hoping to prolong the moment
I let you go.

I don't want to let you go.

I'll forget the spark
The attraction

And I'll remember the fact your an arse.

Friday, 6 April 2012

...Bumbling Bemusement

This weeks bumble comes courtesy of my old nemesis, cling film. I, like most people in London/United Kingdom/The World in general make sandwiches for lunch and like most people in London/United Kingdom/The World, my sandwiches are too full and lush to be contained by tupperware. That and I don't really have much tupperware. So the only solution is cling film and then it begins. I spend at least 5 minutes a day trying to find the beginning of said stupid role and then, RAAAAAA!!! The rage sets in and such thoughts like the ones to follow fly through my head and it takes everything inside me not to burn down the kitchen. Instead it leaves me weeping uncontrollably in a crumpled heap in the middle of the kitchen, desperately clutching said role muttering in between sobs "I can't even destroy you because I can't get you off the role! Why won't you come off the role?" It is a sad, sad sight to see.

Who invented such an evil device? Was it some twisted scientist who was mocked from a young age because he couldn't use the twisty tie thing so instead invented cling film?! Boo hiss. It is the one and only thing that can send me into a blind rage. That and constantly kicking/stubbing/general tripping over the baby gate. RAAAAA BABY GATE! But that is another subject matter altogether. It has however led me to investigate the evil genius behind cling film. 

So like every computer literate university student desperately trying to pad out an essay, I hit Google and typed in "Who invented cling film?" I should, if this were an essay, receive full marks for being so damn clever. My favourite search result came up from Yahoo answers and some poor sod, like me, enraged by cling film, wants to know the evil genius behind it as well. This should be fun.

It wasn't fun. My brain aches and I've had to switch to the gentler side of The Black Keys album "Brothers" to rectify the problem. Now all of you out there who are so damn curious to know who it was are going to have to research it yourselves, muahahahaha! I can tell you it was made in the late 60's early 70's by some canadian dude who clearly had a lot of time on his hands. However my favourite answer from Yahoo answers was that the Klingons invented it. I much prefer this answer and it makes me chuckle to think of them bent over a table (not like that, sickos) thinking up ways to piss off the human race. Very well done sirs and err madams....?

However I have ranted for far too long over the absurd origins of said cling film. The battle however still rages on and up and down the country people, just like you and me are falling, demented and broken over the use of cling film. This needs to stop! There should be some sort of organisation set up to help people like this. I for one don't have the time or energy to do this so I am relying on you, the people, to do it for me. For now I will crawl back onto the battlefield and wage war once more. Fingers crossed I'll make it back alive or at least with my diginity intact.

Heres hoping.