Friday 30 December 2011

...Joe - Chapter 7

Chapter 7

I wake up in my room. The street lights letting me know it's evening and I've missed most of my day. The last thing I remember is being in the park and being so fucking hot. Everything aches. My body feels like I just ran a marathon and I have a very strange feeling I didn't do very well. I heave myself onto my elbows and see Jonie curled up in my favourite chair, reading her favourite book. It takes her a while to realise that I'm up and more importantly staring at her.
Joe! Thank God, I thought you'd gone into a coma or something” .
I smile, she puts down her book and comes to sit next to me, curling her legs under her body. She looks so tired, this close up I can see that her usually bright grey eyes have dimmed a little. 
 
I first thought you were asleep, but you didn't look right and your breathing was all weird. I touched your arm and it was so cold and sticky Joe. So I asked a group of tourists next to me if they'd watch you and I didn't know if they understood but they nodded, so I left you and found a park keeper man and he came and took a look at you and he was like “that's sunstroke and you need to get him inside”. So to cut a long story short I grabbed a cab and park keeper man helped me get you into it and then the cabbie helped me get you into bed and you've been asleep for the past four hours. I was so fucking worried Joe, don't ever do something like that again.”
With that she throws her arms around me and I can feel it bubbling up inside me and I can't push it down, I need to let it out.
I can't have that party.”
Jonie pulls away from me and looks me right in the eyes.
What?”
I can have this party, I'm sorry”
What do you mean you're sorry Joe? What's happened? You were so up for it”
I just can't have a party! Simple.”
That's so fucking typical.”
Jonie stands up suddenly, clearly pissed off with me, but I don't understand why. It's just a party for fucks sake. I don't know why she's getting so emotional about it.
You are so fucking selfish. As soon as something happens that you don't like, you get like this and I'm so fucking tired of it. Do you honestly think everyone and everything revolves around you?”
For fuck sake it's only a party, I don't understand why you're getting so wound up”
No Joe of course you don't understand because you don't want to understand. But why would you want to? Urgh, I'm such an idiot! If it's not to do with Anna then you don't wanna know. You are so fucking blinded Joseph. Have you ever thought about me? I really wanted to have this party, I've been struggling lately if you haven't noticed and I really needed some fun for fuck sake. You don't think do you?”
I didn't realise how she'd been feeling and now she's crying and I feel like a right dickhead. I sit up properly and rub my head.
Jo, I'm sorry”
Oh fuck off Joseph! I've had enough of being your fucking crutch. I can't do this anymore

Everything stops being. I can't find the right words to say and she's turning and leaving. I can't let her leave. If she leaves then who's left?
Jonie!”
I throw off the covers and swing my legs out of the bed and run after her. My legs stumble a little along the way, not used to the effort I'm forcing through them. I catch up to her in the hallway and grab her by the arm.
Jonie please, I'm sorry, you can't leave me please, please Jo don't leave me, I love you.”
I love you too but we need space, this relationship isn't healthy for either of us.”
What? No, no, you can't go, I’ll change I promise, Jonie please, let's talk about this.”
I'm crying and she's crying and I don't know what else to do, I feel so pathetic and alone and I can't let her leave but she's trying to wriggle free from my grip so I tighten it and pull her closer in towards me.
Just remember Jo, please remember, all those times we had that were fantastic and this is just a bump in our road.”
Is it Joe? This bump has been going on for a while and I can't get a grip on my life if I'm always trying to fix yours.”

I don't know what to say, she's giving me a look I've never seen before and it hurts so much. She seems so sure that I'm the problem so, I must be. Everyone I love leaves me. She slips her arm out of my hand and tip toes to put a kiss on my cheek. Her tears are warm and salty and I know that this will probably be the last time I'll ever get to feel her lips against my skin. She goes and I stare at the empty space where she once stood. My inside are colliding with each other and I feel sick and stupid. I don't know what to do, I can't function without her. I can't leave it like this.
I run down the rest of the hallway and stumble down the two flights of stairs to the ground floor and grab Jonie before she makes it to the front door and I kiss her. I put every feeling I have for her into that kiss and and her lips are so soft and this feels so right. She has to feel how perfect this is.
But she pushes me away and she slaps me hard across the face and I'm stunned. She looks so angry, but didn't she get it? Didn't she feel what I feel for her? Didn't she feel how much I love her?
Joseph, no. It doesn't work like that”.
Jonie turns away from me. Picks up her bag and opens the front door. She turns to look at me before she leaves and I can't look her in the eye. I've never seen her like this before and it's all my fault. She leaves, the door closes and my life ends.

I've fucked it.

3 comments:

  1. Once again, the use of emotion in this piece is very strong. We really get a sense of how unstable both protagonists are, especially when Joanie swings from fear to anger; seemingly, her emotions are balanced on a knife-edge and this really brings home the fragility of her character.

    This is another chapter in which you reveal more about your characters, making them appear more well-rounded. What I found particularly interesting is the contradictions apparent in Joanie's character in this chapter. She looks after Joe as he suffers from heat stroke, the picture of empathy and care. Then, the next instant she displays inherent selfishness in the way she reacts when Joe denounces the party.

    'Have you ever thought about me? I really wanted to have this party, I've been struggling lately if you haven't noticed and I really needed some fun for fuck sake.'

    Your repeated use of first person pronouns in this section of speech emphasises Joanie's own selfishness and serves to reflect the fact that she may not be a grounded and self-aware as she likes to think. It also reflects the fact that, people who accuse others of character flaws are often projecting their own insecurities in a bid to distance themselves with their problems in order to deal with them. This reveals a vulnerability in her character that has been bubbling below the surface for some time. It's an interesting character development.

    The kiss at the end of the chapter serves to cement the sense of loss in their relationship. It also emphasises Joe's romantic and simplistic view of the world. Its a harsh wake up call for Joe, whose treatment of Joanie has been quite deplorable throughout the story so far. Each protagonist has been using the other in quite a parasitic way, making their relationship emotionally draining and quite painful to watch. Maybe this break will give them the time to come to realisations about their own behaviours, ultimately resulting in a better relationship when (or if) they reconcile.

    There's a great few sentences that I need to highlight: 'She slips her arm out of my hand and tip toes to put a kiss on my cheek. Her tears are warm and salty and I know that this will probably be the last time I'll ever get to feel her lips against my skin. She goes and I stare at the empty space where she once stood. My inside are colliding with each other and I feel sick and stupid. I don't know what to do, I can't function without her. I can't leave it like this. ' The poignancy of these actions suggest lost and pain in a dramatic yet melancholy way. However, I think the sentence before this somewhat ruins the atmosphere. If I were you, I would remove 'Everyone I love leaves me.' It reads too much like exposition. We know that Joe pities himself, we know that the people in his life have been unreliable and that he has had few stable relationships. All this sentence does is ram home a point which you have already made, much more subtly and eloquently, elsewhere.

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  2. So this begins with one short sentence. Then there comes another. I’m not sure if it works since I don’t write like that. I used to though.

    Joe is quite the romantic and I have to be honest I want his reality to be a lot more balanced. I remember from reading this a month or more ago I got my wish but man, he is in for some heartache this chapter isn’t he?

    Can grey eyes dim? I guess from his obsessive point of view they certainly can. I don’t think I would have taken such a risk with one of my characters but I think it pays off as a slight ‘reveal’ regarding Joe’s way of seeing things/people.

    ‘I grabbed a cab and park keeper man helped me get you into it and then the cabbie helped me get you into bed and you've been asleep for the past four hours. I was so fucking worried Joe’

    She should have taken him to hospital. Would have made more common sense PLUS would have heightened the drama to have the part end there. If I ever get fall unconscious around you, park keepers advice or not, take me to hospital - or else!

    ‘I don't know what to say, she's giving me a look I've never seen before and it hurts so much. She seems so sure that I'm the problem so, I must be.’

    Jesus the self-pity! And yet, though I want to judge Joe, these are the thoughts that teenagers go through and yeah, of course I count myself. I’d also be lying if such over emotional negative thoughts remain in that mad time, that there is some force field that locks them out of the recent past. Yet the truth of the matter is that I want these two to sort out their emotional problems as far away from each other as possible. Maybe when they are both less subjective about everything they might actually have a healthy relationship.

    The last line ‘I’ve fucked it.’ Is awkward and has the potential for unintentional comic effect. Anyone think the line should stick? I just don’t know.

    I think this piece has its merits in that we see (thanks Leanne) how messed up Jonie can be and that it really has been there for some time. We also see this ending coming but only as it arrives (like any good climax really) because Joe’s actions are so needy and desperate…he was bound to push Jonie away in the end. Another merit is the use of the short sentences as it reads like a little like sixth form poetry, at once believing in itself and yet knowingly realising its overzealous nature. These merits also I’m afraid to say alienate me from the characters so much that I don’t like them. If they were somehow more complex then I would want to follow them but unless you plan to have some wild twist occur in what I believe to be the 8th and final part…we end with me having very little respect for their small selfish world of ‘I’m in more pain than you.’

    That is how we might end but I must say that I’m looking forward to knowing how you deal with the state of play that I’ll go read part eight now. I’ll post a comment late this month as always and whoa…never commented on a final part of anything before. It’s gonna be a whopper.

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  3. GODDAMMIT! Rrrrrrr. Bloody people. These are the noises that buzzed through my brain whilst reading your piece. I just want to pick up Joe and Jonie, shake them and shout "STOP THIS MADNESS!!!!!!"

    Which is a good indication that your characters and plot are very good, else I wouldn't be quite so invested. I agree with Leanne in that Jonie is extremely emotionally volatile and unstable, whereas Joe is insular and self-absorbed.

    I found Jonie's description of the events during Joe's period of unconsciousness a little stilted and awkward, a little too much and this and that. Plus, I can safely say I don't believe I've ever heard someone say 'to cut a long story short' in my life, certainly not when they were animated or emotional.

    Joe is really patronising. Even though it is relatively true, his thought of '... but I don't understand why. It's just a party for fucks sake. I don't know why she's getting so emotional about it' is an interesting development from when we first met the character. Whilst we originally pitied him for his disconnection with the people around him and feeling like he was hard done by, we see more and more that while he may view himself in that way, he is actually quite short tempered and aggressive about things he "doesn't understand".

    I will keep saying this 'til the cows come home, the strength of your work is in your characters. They are people, rounded, flawed and human. The one thing I will say is that I want to meet more of them. Obviously Joe and Jonie's "relationship" has come to a head, and so the dynamic/events will change, and hopefully the plot will have room for more people. I just don't want to hear anymore about Joe being depressed and sorry for himself. I know he will be, but I will be forced to write myself into the story so I can give him a hearty slap!

    Another element that intrigues me is the is she/isn't she question of how much and in what way does Jonie care for Joe. Originally I felt Joe was suffering unrequited, her echoing phrases like 'love' and 'relationship' makes me wonder.

    So yes, good stuff as ever. I'd like some non-Joe-centric elements, but I appreciate I may not get my wish. For that or giving him a wallop!

    Continue!

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