...Signs

Hello cyber fellows, I know it's been a while, many things have happened, blah blah blah and all that bollocks. It's not an excuse, in fact I have no excuse. But whats drawn me back to your lovely bosom is, I guess, because everything's changing. Not in a bad way, in a very, very good way but it's still scary. Change for me is terrifying (yet somehow I still run into it head first).

So as the title says, this post is all about signs. I'm a great believer in signs, not the ones you beg for, on your knees on a dark thundery night but the unexpected ones, the ones you don't see coming and that really take you off your feet. I never look for signs and I never ask the universe for any. I think that if I need a little assistance then it will be given to me, regardless of whether I asked for it or not and whether I think I need it.

Take today for instance, I decided that what I needed for my lunch tomorrow was a brie and cranberry sandwich (random I know) so I popped into the local co op and whilst I perused the brie, completely engrossed in my task - should I choose French or Somerset brie - what, in fact, is the difference? I noticed the couple next to me chatting and being all couple-y and something clicked, I thought, fuck, that voice sounds familiar, I stole a glance at the chap and my heart sunk, I don't think I've moved that fast away from two people in a long time. I didn't even have a chance to deploy the duck and cover procedure, so instead I ducked down the bread aisle. And waited. *deep breath*.

Eventually I popped my head out and made my way to the bread rolls and bumped into him, I pretended to be completely engrossed in the seeded wholemeal bread rolls and tried my best to avoid having a heart attack. Needless to say the co op is out of bounds for a few days.

The whole thing got me thinking though. The next couple of weeks is full on, I'm moving in with my boyfriend, selling the house, embarking on two new projects and trying desperately to keep in shape and not stuff my face with Pringles, but it's hard. And then you start to think, is it worth it? Should I just stay where I am and not embark on another adventure? Not take the next step? Not to try? And I sit here, tapping away on this keyboard and I look around my room that is filled with memories; bits and bobs in corners, secrets tucked away in cupboards, hidden under the bed, the very fibers of my room screaming to be organised, looked at - make a decision!

Make a decision.

I'm with the best person I have ever been with, we're completely absorbed in each other - in a healthy way(!) and it's such a good thing, I'm ridiculously excited and I can't bloody wait to live with him. And ironically, today was the push I needed, seeing a face I never thought I'd see again, feeling that dread, that awful sickness, I just knew, this is a sign (I know I sound a little crazy but please bear with me, I have a point - I think). Life is moving forward and I should go with it, take this sign and run with it - the universe is throwing the gates open and telling me to run, that this is a new beginning.

So I had to stop writing this last night because I became completely engrossed in watching Orange is The New Black - ridiculously addictive. But it did give me time to reflect (you must really hate me now) and I stand by all I've written above. I don't know what the future holds for me - none of us do - but you either embrace the changes and let the current push you forwards or you fight it and have a bloody difficult time with it. I choose the former. It may take me to places I didn't expect to be in or it might just land me exactly where I want to be - wherever that is...but fuck it. Let's do this shit.

I'm gonna raise a glass to new beginnings, to throwing caution to the wind and just living. Now. Right now. The next time you hear from me I will (hopefully) be running in the same vein and keeping one eye out for signs (suggestive wink).

Here's hoping.


P.S the sandwich was really good, I added spinach which made it 100% tastier.

P.P.S I went with French Brie, sorry Somerset.