Friday, 30 December 2011
I wake up in my room. The street lights letting me know it's evening and I've missed most of my day. The last thing I remember is being in the park and being so fucking hot. Everything aches. My body feels like I just ran a marathon and I have a very strange feeling I didn't do very well. I heave myself onto my elbows and see Jonie curled up in my favourite chair, reading her favourite book. It takes her a while to realise that I'm up and more importantly staring at her.
“Joe! Thank God, I thought you'd gone into a coma or something” .
I smile, she puts down her book and comes to sit next to me, curling her legs under her body. She looks so tired, this close up I can see that her usually bright grey eyes have dimmed a little.
“I first thought you were asleep, but you didn't look right and your breathing was all weird. I touched your arm and it was so cold and sticky Joe. So I asked a group of tourists next to me if they'd watch you and I didn't know if they understood but they nodded, so I left you and found a park keeper man and he came and took a look at you and he was like “that's sunstroke and you need to get him inside”. So to cut a long story short I grabbed a cab and park keeper man helped me get you into it and then the cabbie helped me get you into bed and you've been asleep for the past four hours. I was so fucking worried Joe, don't ever do something like that again.”
With that she throws her arms around me and I can feel it bubbling up inside me and I can't push it down, I need to let it out.
“I can't have that party.”
Jonie pulls away from me and looks me right in the eyes.
“I can have this party, I'm sorry”
“What do you mean you're sorry Joe? What's happened? You were so up for it”
“I just can't have a party! Simple.”
“That's so fucking typical.”
Jonie stands up suddenly, clearly pissed off with me, but I don't understand why. It's just a party for fucks sake. I don't know why she's getting so emotional about it.
“You are so fucking selfish. As soon as something happens that you don't like, you get like this and I'm so fucking tired of it. Do you honestly think everyone and everything revolves around you?”
“For fuck sake it's only a party, I don't understand why you're getting so wound up”
“No Joe of course you don't understand because you don't want to understand. But why would you want to? Urgh, I'm such an idiot! If it's not to do with Anna then you don't wanna know. You are so fucking blinded Joseph. Have you ever thought about me? I really wanted to have this party, I've been struggling lately if you haven't noticed and I really needed some fun for fuck sake. You don't think do you?”
I didn't realise how she'd been feeling and now she's crying and I feel like a right dickhead. I sit up properly and rub my head.
“Jo, I'm sorry”
“Oh fuck off Joseph! I've had enough of being your fucking crutch. I can't do this anymore”
Everything stops being. I can't find the right words to say and she's turning and leaving. I can't let her leave. If she leaves then who's left?
I throw off the covers and swing my legs out of the bed and run after her. My legs stumble a little along the way, not used to the effort I'm forcing through them. I catch up to her in the hallway and grab her by the arm.
“Jonie please, I'm sorry, you can't leave me please, please Jo don't leave me, I love you.”
“I love you too but we need space, this relationship isn't healthy for either of us.”
“What? No, no, you can't go, I’ll change I promise, Jonie please, let's talk about this.”
I'm crying and she's crying and I don't know what else to do, I feel so pathetic and alone and I can't let her leave but she's trying to wriggle free from my grip so I tighten it and pull her closer in towards me.
“Just remember Jo, please remember, all those times we had that were fantastic and this is just a bump in our road.”
“Is it Joe? This bump has been going on for a while and I can't get a grip on my life if I'm always trying to fix yours.”
I don't know what to say, she's giving me a look I've never seen before and it hurts so much. She seems so sure that I'm the problem so, I must be. Everyone I love leaves me. She slips her arm out of my hand and tip toes to put a kiss on my cheek. Her tears are warm and salty and I know that this will probably be the last time I'll ever get to feel her lips against my skin. She goes and I stare at the empty space where she once stood. My inside are colliding with each other and I feel sick and stupid. I don't know what to do, I can't function without her. I can't leave it like this.
I run down the rest of the hallway and stumble down the two flights of stairs to the ground floor and grab Jonie before she makes it to the front door and I kiss her. I put every feeling I have for her into that kiss and and her lips are so soft and this feels so right. She has to feel how perfect this is.
But she pushes me away and she slaps me hard across the face and I'm stunned. She looks so angry, but didn't she get it? Didn't she feel what I feel for her? Didn't she feel how much I love her?
“Joseph, no. It doesn't work like that”.
Jonie turns away from me. Picks up her bag and opens the front door. She turns to look at me before she leaves and I can't look her in the eye. I've never seen her like this before and it's all my fault. She leaves, the door closes and my life ends.
I've fucked it.
Saturday, 17 December 2011
To be loved.
And I lay on his chest
And I sighed and I laughed,
And he cried.
A life without love I would die,
To not touch your lips
The soft of your kiss
Would be death.
My heart would just stop,
And I think it would rot
And not be part of this world where we live.
To be loved,
To be kissed.
To have the knowledge that we are just this.
That space wouldn’t matter
And time would just shift.
Love doesn’t have a set course,
Just a rift.
And I swooned.
I felt his heartbeat
And his touch bitter sweet,
And I knew
That love without him isn’t true,
That we both together are two
Shapes of a heart,
That beat and are part of a clue.
To be loved,
That is all that I need to get through.