Wednesday, 26 September 2012

...Cambodia Calling 2

So I'm sick. Booooo. I don't like being sick in England and over here it's worse because it's so hot. It like amplifies the sick feeling and shoves it down your throat till all you can taste is your illness. Nice analogy right? But I've pumped myself full of paracetamol, green tea with honey and hot lemon with honey - minus the whiskey. I didn't trust what was on offer in the shops. You could get a whole bottle of "whiskey" for $4.30, like a big bottle. I don't think what was inside was whiskey. I didn't want to hang about to find out. So yeah that's what happening at the moment. Ange, my "boss" told me to go home yesterday and not come back till Monday. I was shocked. I thought, "mate I only have a cold, it's not like I'm dying" and you know I told her so (not in those exact words) but she insisted I rest myself and come back when I'm better. You'd never get that sort of thing in London. Or in the Western world. We have to work even if we feel like our face is melting and all our internal organs are seizing up. It's that fear of missing something, anything. It's a totally absurd notion though, you can't physical work if you are sick, it's not possible and you risk the chance of infecting everyone else so they can't work either and then before you know it the whole company is caught under flu's deadly grasp and everything goes tits up from there. Dramatic I know but it's true. The way of thinking out here is so relaxed and logical. If you're tired - sleep, if you're hungry - eat, if you're sick - stay in bed, don't work. Makes perfect sense so after writing this blog it is exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to rest.

Enough about me being sick. I'm sick of being sick. Instead I'm going to talk about something else. 

So Ange my "boss" has told me she wants me to teach the older kids as well as the younger kids, because I'm a native English speaker. Luckily for her she didn't have the chance to hear my accent before the elocution lessons! Hahahaha! She wouldn't want me anywhere near her kids then. I'll try my best to not slip in a bit of cockney but if it happens then it happens! I'm looking forward to teaching the older kids, they have a good grasp of English already and I know I'll just be helping it along, whereas the little ones don't have any English at all and it's learning through play so I'll be talking constantly. It is going to be exhausting! Hopefully it will be fun too. Fingers crossed.

These mossies are fucking deadly, they are using me like a buffet, I swear to God when I find the one that's in my room, using me like I'm a midnight snack I will kill it. Slowly. I'll pull of it's fucking wings and show it to it. HA! Bite me while I sleep? You must be brave.
Call me Rachel McKenzie, mossie killer extraordinaire. I think the heats gotten to me...

So there's not much more to say really. I hand washed my clothes yesterday, it took me like half an hour but I saved myself a dollar. I know it doesn't sound like much but a dollar out here goes a long fucking way. And they smell all fresh and clean, I'm very proud of myself. I did scrub the shit out of them though - not actually shit, that would be disgusting, just you know I went at them hard...

I've been thinking about contacting the Man but I'm not sure. One source has said NO. To not let anything taint this experience which is true. This experience is for me and you know I want to make it the best experience I've ever had, but I really, really, miss him. *sigh* I guess that's normal. Not much to be done about it and I should stop brooding and buck up damn it. Any other suggestions of what I should do would be handy, I know he doesn't read this so no harm in him seeing it but if you could, answers on a postcard please, you know where to find me. 

I might upload some pictures to facebook but I'm not sure yet. Don't know if I can be bothered right now and may just do it all when I get home, in one big lump session. We will see. 

Big Ocean crossing love ya'll. 

Sunday, 23 September 2012

...Cambodia Calling

Hello cyber pals, so it is officially the end of my first week here in Cambodia and so far so good. I don't really know where to begin so I think I'll start with the end and work my way back to the beginning - but knowing me I'll probably just jump back and forth a coupe of times till I get the story right.

So today we went to see the Tonle Sap Lake which was quite depressing. The people there live on the lake and the money they earn comes from the lake. That wasn't the completely depressing part, because it was fairly depressing in itself. For me it was the children posing for pictures for you then asking for money afterwards and the mothers/daughters using babies to beg for money. I know it's how they can earn a little extra cash and frankly who am I to judge what's going on after all I decided to come there and view the way their living, so why can't they make a little money out of it? It's just hard to come to terms that that is how people are living, how they have to live. I know on my trip here I will be faced with these situations everyday and I will have to learn how to (this sounds harsh) "block it out" but I think it will still take some getting used to. 

So this morning we had a Khmer language class and learnt a few phrases to use when we're out and about and learnt a bit abut the culture and the dos and don'ts, which is handy. 

Well I've also seen all the temples and in one of them I lit some incense and received a blessing from one of the Buddhist ladies and two bracelets for "long life and good luck" which was all very nice. At the end of the day our tour guide took us back to Angkor Wat and by one of the shrines to Buddha there was a book of Sanskrit and the tour guide said you had to put it on your head and then take the pointer that was attached to the book of Sanskrit and let it fall wherever your hand felt it should go. So I tried it and he deciphered it for me, it read: "You are loved, you are liked, you are cared for and respected." I really needed to hear that. I'm not being sarcastic. I've never been this far from home before and I didn't realise how hard it would be so for him to read that back to me made me feel a lot better.  He could have been bullshitting but I'd rather take the cynicism out of it and trust in what he read.

Right so that was Wednesday I think. I'm gonna jump a lot because I'm running out of time and need to brave the thunderstorm to go have dinner, yes I said thunderstorm. I've never, ever seen lightning like they have it here. It's beautiful but deadly all at the same time.

I''ll tell you about the plane journeys. They were very long and tiring. The first flight was ok, had to stop myself from crying the whole way through, so to cover I watched a few films that were tear jerkers. The next flight was shit, my telly didn't work and I was sat next to a large man who had really bad breath and I couldn't sleep. So boooo Emirates sort your shit out. The last flight was in a turboprop plane or a tin can death trap. That's what they should call it. I have never felt so terrified in a plane until that day. I had to not look down because I was sure there was no possible way we could stay in the air.

Right I'm being rushed so I'll mention a few last points:
1. The mossies have been biting the shit out of me. I hate them all.
2. White Tiger Balm stops mossie bites stinging so much.
3. Cambodians don't find dark skin attractive, so daddy if you're reading this, have no fear, I will not come back married. 
4. The alcohol is super cheap and super strong.
5. You can also dance on the tables/chairs.
6. I have a room to myself and only 2 days ago figured I could keep the fan on whilst turning the light off (long story fill you in next time)
7. You can't flush toilet paper down the toilet. It has to go in the bin, no matter if you've done a number one or two. Yep you heard me. 
8. I think I'm going to like it here. The people I'm living with are nice and apart from the heat the country is lush.

Right off to cycle in the rain on Oliver (that's my bikes name, he's super cool.) to get me some dinner. 

Big Ocean crossing love ya'll. 

Sunday, 16 September 2012

...Wonderingly Witty

Tonight I have to learn to let you go. Not just for myself but for everything I want, I believe in. Carrying you around with me is beginning to feel too heavy. I can't let the pain that etches itself throughout my heart continue to follow me around. Maybe I should be writing this when I'm sober. Maybe I shouldn't be looking too closely at the shadows. Maybe I shouldn't be analysing the past and looking instead towards the future. Do the scars heal? Once your hearts been broken can it repair itself? Or am I forever damaged? Forced to wander the world looking for that bit of me I left behind with you. Maybe I should stop drinking so much rum. Maybe I haven't drunk enough. I'll continue this in the morning. Hopefully the light will change the dark shades grey and the grey shades light.

Last night was difficult. I am now moving on and saying a big hearty FAREWELL ENGLAND. Farewell to all the shit, bollocks, cunning and down right emotional thievery that I have had to endure over these past, well, I guess it would be 8 maybe 7 years. I look forward to embracing a new destination and hopefully finding "me" and everything I lost for humanity whilst I am away. Sounds heavy doesn't it?  Well tough shit it is.

I said goodbye to the hunk of the family yesterday and today and their positive words will carry me through the most difficult days of my journey. That and the insane amount of pictures I have of all of you MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! I promise I will not use them for voodoo....

*sigh* well there are still things I have to pack, I haven't put away my clean clothes or put that extra bra in my backpack and I still haven't cut my nails yet, I just can't be bothered. I do however have to get up at 6 am to catch my plane, I'm hoping, praying that I get some sleep tonight. Last night I dreamt I was kicked out of a window and fell, landing on my bed with a thump. I woke up and stretched my arms out hoping to find something solid and luckily for me I landed on The Man and was happy to know I wasn't for the time being, completely alone. I dreamt also that the world had flooded. A friend of a friend who has started learning about psychology told me that my dreams are (obviously) pointing towards me leaving and my subconscious wanting something more out of my life. I think I knew that already and I'm glad that I didn't pay a psychiatrist to tell me so. I'm hoping my subconscious will find what it's looking for and allow me to get some bloody rest.

I said goodbye to The Man today and I wasn't the least bit emotional. I mean I was sad, don't get me wrong, but I wasn't emotional. That pull I was hoping to feel wasn't there. Maybe it's the curse of being an actor (actress), maybe the scenes in my head are so much better then real life, so when real life does play out in front of me it's not the same. The emotion isn't there and to be honest there's no fucking background music. No swirl of violins or R Kelly singing some jumped up R&B tune about his baby leaving. None of that. Just a numbness that I'm sure will develop into actually wanting once I realise this isn't a game and I am actually leaving. Like actually leaving and to be frank, he didn't seem that bothered. I think that's what triggered my reaction. I think he's going to miss my bed more then me. It is fucking lush. Oh fuck it, maybe I'm over thinking this and it isn't what I think it is and everything will be dandy, like cotton candy (I'm full of these tonight really aren't I?)

So mi amigos, mi amigas, if anyone out there is actually reading this and you know, wants to know where I'll be placing myself in South East Asia then just click follow (by email mostly - it's the easiest way!) and my weekly updates (hopefully) on Sundays (hopefully) will be your guilty weekend, post hangover, pre brunch treat. So for now I should sign off, go finish packing my bag, putting away my clothes, general freak out before bed and have a good nights rest before tomorrow, which is going to be hard in itself. I have to say goodbye to the parental's and that no doubt will make me weep. I bid you all goodnight and I'll see you on the other side.

Heres hoping.

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

...Witty Wonderings

What up homies?

For the past 4 days my cat has been on a hunger strike. For the first day I didn't pay much attention, to be honest I thought she was being a little bitch! But then the second day arrived and she still hadn't eaten anything and I started to worry, she was also playing hide and seek in the garden and refused to come when anyone called her. The 3rd day went much the same but I managed to bribe her with tuna. Now it's the fourth day (this is really interesting isn't it?) and I've buckled, I've given into her demands and I drove down to Sainsbury's to purchase kitty crack - Whiskers. She loved it. She only ate half of it *sigh* so I brought out the big guns, I offered her some ham. Not the shitty wafer thin ham that's like 20% water but like the good stuff but she refused to eat it until I also had a piece first, then she devoured it. Moral of this story? I think my cat's paranoid and no one should ever, EVER underestimate their power. I think she was one day from attacking me in my sleep. I'm deadly serious.

As you can probably tell that has been the highlight of my week. It really has. It has also helped me procrastinate. I really don't want to pack, I don't want to clean my medical kit, I don't want to have to make a list of all the things I've put in said backpack, I don't want to say goodbye to anyone, I just want to leave, in the middle of the night, stealth like, with a note left on the dining room table saying "Gone to Cambodia, see you in 5 months".

I woke up this morning in a panic, I looked around my room and it's mess and I concluded that one: I should probably clean my room and two: I should probably pack because I leave in 6 days. I don't think the countdown helps me, I think it's a countdown to hysteria, I can feel it building. Bubbling under the surface of my denial. So I've decided to pack this week full of lovely things to do to take my mind of the inevitable. It mostly involves having drinks with a handful of my favourite people and filling the rest of those nights with art and crafty things oh and being cooked dinner. Which I'm very much looking forward to. I love not cooking. The man friend said he'll come round and cook me dinner and well to be honest I'm a little curious. I don't know what it'll be, seeing as you know we've never actually gone to dinner, because it's not that kind of relationship...if that makes sense. It's all very confusing isn't it? And this blog is just another way for me to put off actually doing anything.

I have been having really fucked up dreams lately. Yesterday's dream involved me trying to escape from a cult and then I managed to escape but then somehow I ended up there again and then they made me perform in a big show and I couldn't quite remember the dance moves and their was a guy who lived on top of a giant flea and oozed a bug like oil. Like I said, fucked up. The man friend says it's all the books I've been reading that are a bit on the weird side and you know, words have a deeper effect then we realise (his words not mine) but I dunno. The last book I read was "Shadow of the Wind" by Carlos Ruis Zafon and if you haven't read it then I think you should and no it won't give you nightmares and yes it is a superbly written piece of literature. There was a description of a demon/dream like creature that I thought would give me nightmares but it didn't. I think I just have an overactive imagination. Or I feel like I'm living in a cult? Answers on a postcard please.

So what else is there to say? I leave in six days. Six whole days. Let's hope they go as slowly as possible.

Heres hoping.

Thursday, 6 September 2012

...Chitteringly Canny

Guten Tag meinen freunden, wie gehts? (as you can see I'm trying to practise my German). Anyhow, I went to see the Paralympics on Tuesday and courtesy of my amazing little sister, was sitting practically within spitting distance of the race track (not that I was going to spit that would just be disgusting and frankly uncouth.) It was brilliant, I was blown away by everything but it was the athletes in the wheelchairs (if they can be called that - the wheelchairs not the athletes - obviously!) were fantastic! They moved so fast and as I said to my dad must be super strong (obviously) to go that fast. I know that I couldn't do anything like that, especially when it comes to moving my own body weight (ha!) and I'm not fat. Just thought I'd clarify just in case some of you out there thought I was some sort of large person dominating my keyboard...

The ohmygoshIcan'tbelieveI'mleaving Countdown stands at 11 days. Eleven very short days to do all the things I'm still putting off. The biggest one being the Gas and Electricity company. They are still not convinced I'm leaving the country and well I've run out of ways to make them believe me - any ideas would be super helpful. I have also been stress smoking (don't judge me) and stress eating and *cough* drinking. But it's all relative right? That's what I keep telling myself and I've only 11 more days to indulge myself and of course it's totally not a problem, wine is definitely one of your 5 of days, it's got a shed load of grapes in it...

Well, moving on swiftly from that outburst I am currently sitting in my chair (I'm gonna miss my chair, it's super comfy once the correct position has been attained) and I'm listening to a band called "Young the Giant" they're alright. Spotify recommended them because I was listening to "Of Monsters and Men" now they are a band worth listening to. Seriously, if you want some musical enjoyment I highly recommend giving them a  listen and then just sit back and let yourself fall into the beauty that is their musical genius. It's practically orgasmic...oh wow I really want some galaxy chocolate - strange how that connection is made no?

You can probably tell that this here blog is me just spewing some mental mind stuff over the intersphere but it's totally needed (apparently totally is my word of the day...) I've been feeling pretty shitty these past few days and I can't shake the funk that has settled over me. Not even with a healthy dose of community spirit not even (shockingly enough) with a healthy glass of wine and a bag full of popcorn. No this funk has decided to settle itself glumly around my old heart bones and is given them a good old tug. It's annoying and has rendered me useless and spiteful. Which is never a good combination. Add slightly drunk to that combination and the world spirals out of control. Finding a reason for the funk is always a good place to begin and to be honest cyber folks I can't find one. So hence the spewing. I figured if I just kept typing then maybe the reason will present itself, but so far no luck and I don't know how much longer I can keep you all captive. I may just have to whack on some Prodigy, dance around a bit and stop listening to this sappy Indie music that's making me feel all reminiscent and moody. Is this the answer to my funk? Fuck no but it's the beginning of finding out once again why it's here. I'm gonna sip my juice and stare at the wall, maybe the answer will display itself.

Heres hoping,

Sunday, 2 September 2012

...Canny Chittering

Howdy cyber folks and folkettes, it's been an eventful week, lots of wonderful and boring things have happened, most of which I will relay to you in partial detail and I'll try my best to leave out the boring things!

However as I write this, I have succumbed to a guilty pleasure and allowed myself a screening of "The Twilight Sage: Breaking Dawn pt1". Please don't judge me, I have already judged myself but seeing as I have watched the first two I should just keep the viewings going and watch this one too! If questioned in court I will hold up to this statement. I do however find Kristen Stewart unstimulating and over indulgent, but then I've always found her so and I guess this fits in with the character of Bella who (if she were real) would be just as annoying as her on screen counterpart. Just like Taylor Lautner *yawn* there are a lot better looking boys I can perv over then this one. Sorry Twilight fans but I'm not feeling this one. I am ironically totally Team Jake. That is another story altogether.

Okay I'm getting side tracked by the Twilight-ness, not only the retelling but the actually watching. Maybe I shouldn't be blogging at the same time but you know I like to pretend I can multitask. The people who know me best know that I can't multitask but frankly I see that as a challenge (challenge accepted!)

This week has been a weird one, with the shattering of the peace sanctuary and the collating of all my stuff, I still have a lot to pack (that is if I even begin to pack...!) and I keep forgetting nearly everything, I swear I'm losing what's left of my marbles. The countdown has begun and I'm getting super nervous. It started with an email detailing where I'll be staying and who I'll be working for, which in itself is fantastic news, I'll be staying in the volunteer house with all the other volunteers (thankfully) and I'll be working in a school with 12 children aged 3-6 teaching them English through creative arts. Which is going to be pretty cool. I guess they put me there coz I'm an actress and all that shizz. Let's hope I can remember most of the drama games I was taught - that is a job for next week.

*side note* if my bedroom looked as fucked up as theirs did after having sex, you better be sure one of us has severely pulled something, not just left with a few bruises. Come on people! 

Right anyway, if any of you out there have any ideas regarding art games or singing games that are also educational, please drop me a message! It will be extremely helpful!

I've taken my cousins advice and have stuffed myself full of all the Western things I enjoy - like chocolate fingers and cider mmmm and yeah it may seem over the top and of course I could just pack a few packets of hobnobs in my bag but one: I'm worried about how heavy my bag is already, without the added extras of you know, biscuits and two: I actually want to live like a Cambodian, or at least as close to that as I can and that means embracing their culture, all parts of their culture, including the food and snacks. They must have snacks! They may be different and I might find them totally weird (I read in a guide book they like deep fried frogs or animal testicles as a snack - no thank you) but it's all part of the experience. I have put on a bit of weight *eek* but I'm guessing the cycling everyday for 3 months and not eating a super unhealthy diet will happily eat away at the fat I've gained around my hips. Yes, it all goes to the hips and the tits apparently seeing as they've decided to grow 2 sizes larger then they were last year and not at the back cos that's the same size, it's all like front mass, so it's all boob and not fat. Complete over share but it's my blog. I can do what I like. The man friend doesn't seem to mind however.

Now that's an issue in it's own right. I'm going to miss him like mad. It's insane to think that 6 months ago we were just fucking around (literally) and now it's like something more tangible, there are actually feelings in place. Sounds odd doesn't it but I didn't actually expect to fall for him as much as I have and the thought of leaving him for 5 months makes me want to stay. He wouldn't let me do that, you know stay, seeing as he thinks it's really selfless and adventurous thing to do and I'll have a fantastic time and forget all about him. The first part is totally true but I seriously cannot imagine not being with him. You search for ages right and then the one your looking for pops up when your not looking for him...or her. Fuck me, I don't know how I'm going to say goodbye. I don't actually want to. I just hope that when I get back we still feel the same way about each other and he hasn't found some amazing leggy woman with breasts bigger then mine who has, ironically, made him completely happy, more happy then I ever had. It's the insecurity talking but 5 months is a long fucking time and I know he's not like looking around for someone else but the universe in all her infinite glory really likes to throw out those curve balls. Like throwing one of my ex's at me when I was totally unaware and completely caught off guard, so much so that I didn't have time to tell him how much I hate him and just stood there instead nodding like a fucking Churchill dog in a car window. Round one to you Universe. I just hope she doesn't have any more tricks in her bag, because if I loose the man I'm with, it'll be pretty hard to bounce back.

Let's just hope her bag flies into the sun.

Heres hoping.