Wednesday 24 August 2011

...Joe - Chapter 3


The darkness swallows the inside whole. The tunnel is closed. All hope leaves me.

***

Chapter 3

I park right in front of my house, a first in a long time; you can never, ever get a spot right in front of my house. As soon as I pull up Jonie gets out, not even waiting for me to park properly. Damn, I’ve really fucked her off. Fuck, I’ve fucked myself off. What the fuck was I thinking? I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how I can possibly begin to apologise for nearly running over a child, for I dunno, putting Jonie through what she’s putting me through right now. I guess she can see it from a different angle. Fuck me; it has been 6 years of her shit. Fuck, 6 years, that’s a long time. I run my hand through my hair and remind myself again to get a fucking haircut. I climb out of Lola and make my way to the door, where Jonie’s standing, giving me the eye – the evil Jonie eye. Geez that look cuts through me. 

I can’t stand this silence, it’s making me twitch, I look at Jonie and I can tell she’s sulking. Her bottom lips pushed out and she’s scowling slightly. I laugh a little to myself; she can never hide when she’s upset with me. 

I open the door and head straight to the kitchen, desperate to avoid a confrontation.
“Drink?” I yell at Jonie.
“Sure”
I can hear her getting ready to pounce, slash me with her onslaught of questions. I smile at the thought of being verbally mauled to death; I can see the headlines now. I laugh out loud.
“What are you laughing at?”
Man she’s quick!
“You wanna get the papers?”
“Fine. But don’t think you can avoid me Joe”
Geez. I roll my eyes and grab 2 beers from the fridge. I find Jonie sifting her way through my CD collection – she does this every time and she should know that it never changes. I have a very organized and revised collection.
“Hey” 

Jonie turns and I pass her beer to her, she joins me on the sofa and as if in slow motion I produce the little bag of delights from my pocket and place it on the coffee table. Jonie never learnt to roll so it’s always down to me. I start the process but I’m so excited my hands won’t stop shaking. I try to calm down but it’s just too damn hard. I look at Jonie and she has exactly the same look on her face. I catch her eye and we’re in fits, man when did we get like this? Our love for the leaf is way too strong; I finally get the word “addiction”.

Time seems to move so slowly and it feels like forever before I finally finish rolling. I hunt for a lighter and Jonie presents one immediately. I smile and take it off her. I hold up the joint as if I’m displaying it to a council of drug lords for inspection. I have to admit, it’s not my best; it’s rolled a bit sloppily and has a few lumps in the middle. It wouldn’t pass the test, but it is still smoke-able and that’s the only thing that matters. Throughout this daydream I forget that Jonie’s been patiently waiting for me to light the sucker. So I do. The first drag is harsh and catches the back of my throat and I cough a little, trying to style it out. Jonie laughs. I roll my eyes and grin at her – what does she expect? It’s been years since I smoked. The 2nd drag I take is better, magnificent you may say and I exhale and pass it on. Jonie in her excitement drops it but quickly regains her finesse in the way that only Jonie can. We carry on like this for a while, not saying a word, just enjoying the moment. 

Somehow we’ve made it to the floor and somehow there’s a CD playing, one with a lot of heavy bass, it’s so loud it’s making the floor vibrate.
It feels like hours since we moved and it feels like the worlds stopped spinning and all that is left is the room and this awesome baseline. I go to take a swig out of my bottle and realise its empty, when did that happen? My mouth feels like I stuffed a million pieces of cotton wool in it and the more I think about it the worse it gets.
“Jonie” I say, doing my best to dislodge the cotton wool.
“Huh”
“Jonie!” I sound like a child trying to draw his mothers’ attention away from her favourite soap opera.
“What...” sounds like she’s got a case of cotton wool mouth too.
“I need a drink Jonie, like I need a drink”
“So do I, it feels like I just swallowed the Sahara”
“Yeah, you wanna go to the corner shop on the corner?”
“Yeah but only if you agree to sit still”
“I am sitting still”
“Fair play”
We heave ourselves off the floor and onto the sofa, at this point it feels like we’ve just climbed Everest and I desperately need a break. Man that weed was strong. Either that or my resilience is getting weaker. We finally make it to the front door, using the walls to steady ourselves; I didn’t know you could get sea sick in your own house. We open the front door; yes it actually took two of us to figure out how to open a door. How lame is that? We draw the fresh air into our lungs and make our way precariously down the steps.

The walk to the end of the road seems to take hours, Jonies been reeling off a shopping list of what seems to only contain a copious amount of beer and hot dogs and for some reason a hammock. I quiz her on the hammock – don’t get me wrong it sounds amazing right now and Jonie tells me that a hammock is necessary; in order to get the best intoxication you have to have the right leverage and altitude. I nod and gently remind her that the corner shop probably doesn’t sell hammocks.

We make it to the corner shop and the guy behind the counter clearly knows we’re high, Jonie keeps stumbling into everything and we have an insane amount of biscuits.
“Hey, HEY!”
“Jonie who are you talking to?”
“Him” she says thrusting a can of Stella at him.
“Jonie I seriously doubt his name is “Hey””
“Then what the fuck is it? Hey what the fucks your name?
“Jon there is no need to shout?”
“Do not call me Jon – is that your name? Is your name John?”
“No.” The guy replies visibly pissed off.
“Then what the fuck is it?”
I sigh and set the rest of the Stella on the counter and “Philip” as Jonie is now calling him starts to cash up.
“Jonie I seriously doubt his name is Phillip”
“Well until he tells me his real name it’s staying as Phillip”
“Dude” I turn to the guy willing to put an end to this madness “What’s your real name? – please”
He looks from me to Jonie and back again – the motion making me feel dizzy and points to his name badge which clearly says “Leon”
“Oh” Jonie says “Well you could have just told me that from the beginning”
Oh gosh, here she goes.
I hand him the cash and thank him, shoving a couple of bags into Jonie’s hands before she makes a bigger spectacle of herself.
“Thanks” I say again, pushing Jonie out of the shop and onto the street – she’s provoked and that’s never a good thing.
“Why the hell are you shoving me? Stop it!”
She wriggles free from my grasp and shoves a bag at me.
“It’s heavy, you carry it”
I agree reluctantly, whatever makes her happy, makes me happy.
“And you have absolutely no right to be angry with me – YOU NEARLY KILLED A CHILD TODAY, just because you weren’t concentrating; you were staring at those big blue eyes and guess what Joe? She doesn’t want you, get over it, because next time you might actually hit a child or crash and kill yourself or me or both.”

I’m stunned I knew she was angry but I was not expecting this. She turns and marches off down the street, it takes me a while to realise she’s not going to wait for me, I drag my sorry arse after her, I hate the way she can make me feel like a loser. I finally catch up to her – for someone so small she moves pretty fast, she’s sitting on my doorstep sulking, drinking a Stella. 

I really wish she’d grow up sometimes. Why can’t I be the sulky one? Why is it me that always ends up feeling guilty? I push past her and open the door. I’m the first one in this time, it feels childish but I don’t care. No chivalry today.

We forgot to turn the music off and it’s still so loud. I like it. It’s a soundtrack to my mood. I urge it on, keep pumping, keep playing, keep feeding my emotions. I go to the kitchen and set everything down on the kitchen table and Jonie starts helping me put everything in it’s rightful place. Her phone rings. She looks down and her face goes white, or should I say whiter?
“Jo?”
She doesn’t turn to look at me. She’s picked up the call and she’s out the door, heading towards the living room.
Jonie turns the music off and i know it can’t be good. I stop unpacking the thousands of packets of biscuits and tip toe down the hallway. I stop by the door to the living room and listen.
“Err yeah”
Silence.
“Yeah”
Who is it? Fuck I think she’s crying. I peer around the door and she’s standing in the middle of the room, sobbing. Fuck, its Alex isn’t it? It must be. My hearts pounding, I know I shouldn’t be standing here but I need to do something. Move, for fuck sake Joe, move.
My bodies travelling towards Jonie, my minds screaming – how can I move independently? Shouldn’t the two be together? Before I know it Jonie’s phones in my hand and I speak.
“Fuck off Alex”
I throw the phone and grab Jonie and for the 2nd time today my shirts damp. I hold her and cry; I can’t help it. Today’s been too hard. We stand there, the two of us. Broken in our own ways trying to make a whole. Please don’t fail me.

15 comments:

  1. Hi Rachel,

    I think, as readers, we're getting a sense of the relationship between Joe and Joanie, but I'd like to see this developed even further in the coming chapters. Why are the two of them so close? Is it a case of shared history, or a certain event in their past that brought them together. What annoys them about one another? What do they admire about each other? Are there any unrequited feelings there? It might be a good idea to write a short synopsis detailing their relationship, something you can then elude to in your writing, and use to guide their development, both as individuals and as a single entity.

    I really enjoyed the way you described being stoned. It was realistic and light-hearted, and provided a nice counter-point to the emotional turmoil being experienced by each of the characters in their personal lives.

    One criticism about your writing I have is that you tend to use numbers instead of words. This may be a concious stylistic decision on your part, but usually in fiction, numbers are written out long-hand. So instead of writing 6, write six, and instead of writing 2nd, write second.

    I'm still really enjoying the first person perspective of your main character as narrator, but I think you can utilise it more by examining his thoughts and feelings, his reactions to situations. Perhaps look at the acute embarrassment Joe must feel when Joanie is shouting at the cashier in the corner shop, or explore his worries about how Joanie might cope without Alex. This could also then be used as a way to reveal the shared history of the characters and explain their relationship with one another.

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  2. OK.

    There is fa too much action centred aound the car! Every section has some awakening moment, convo, drive, action/mopeyness, drive, convo. Now while a pattern like this can be good, if used to draw parralels between situations/emotions, or to draw a comparison. but not every section, too repetitive.

    So he has a relationship with his car. All that checking annoys me slightly, well, a lot. But fair enough. I think you just need to provide more reason for it. Ref the car being damaged before, or how hard he had to work to buy it, or how it represents the possibility of freedom in his otherwise entrapped life. Whatever all the fuss is, allude to it.

    Jonie is far too much like the other girl. Is there a reason all your female charas are bitches? Even Jonies ex, and the girl shes going down on are. Surely the random oral girl could maybe..look a bit surprised. Something. Anything. Jonie is giving the same evil looks, snarls, petulance, viciousness as whats her name (Joe's foil). When we firt met her she was distinct, this has not been the case in 2 & 3.

    Drugs. Now. I did quite enjoy the bits when they were stoned, as it was amusing.

    "Jonies been reeling off a shopping list of what seems to only contain a copious amount of beer and hot dogs and for some reason a hammock. I quiz her on the hammock – don’t get me wrong it sounds amazing right now and Jonie tells me that a hammock is necessary; in order to get the best intoxication you have to have the right leverage and altitude."

    Unfortunately there is a lot of it I find unrealistic. They act as if weed is crack, or coke. Itchy drugs. Addicted? That line made me cringe. I get they could be excited to get a bit of green, or if you reinforced the idea that they are returning to 6 years ago, and being a bit childish. But it reads as if they are junkies.

    They even go to a junkie house! Why dont they just go t a smaller dealer? One who stocks in weed, with the odd pills? Why do they go to a crack den?

    Of course, they are drinking stella, getting aggressive at the slightest thing, and acting like weed is like, well hardcore.....are they chavs?

    Anywho. Im liking your interactions with the charas. This is well written. Though the last bit..(is good, but also...)

    "My bodies travelling towards Jonie, my minds screaming – how can I move independently? Shouldn’t the two be together? Before I know it Jonie’s phones in my hand and I speak.
    “Fuck off Alex” "

    :O Are they the same person? Are you going all fight club on us???!!! Becuase if you are that would be awesome. And my critisms of the weed behaviour would be revoked.

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  3. Wow a lot to take in there! I don't know where to begin - err the dealer! Yes, I wrote it that way because it reminded me of a dealer me and a friend went to in Clapham aeons ago and I wanted to use it to counteract their excitement with it's seediness, if that makes sense(?) But A Fox your point on their excitement does refer to 6 years ago and I will definitely make that clearer. Will also make the deal about the car clearer - I have an idea of where I can slot that in now so thanks!

    Fight club eh? Will have to give that a think - along with everything else!

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  4. This is a genre I don’t read so as I hope I’d mentioned in my last two posts (and if I didn’t call me a bastard now), be very aware of that. Would you like to clarify the intended audience for the story, or is it solely a piece you are writing not just from experience, but for yourself?
    As Leanne stated the relationship needs more historical cornerstones between us, the readers and them, the characters – do this soon or we’ll feel the only way into the story is through Joe. We don’t trust Joe. He is emotionally quite confused and at the moment I hope he finds a way of being more honest with Jonie as it is hard to find empathy with the bitch – sorry – the girl!

    ‘I climb out of Lola and make my way to the door, where Jonie’s standing, giving me the eye – the evil Jonie eye.’

    Love this. The way Joe talks, these little turns of phrase is a good thing and like my aforementioned comment (chapter 2) his strong point (and your own) would most definitely be in my opinion, his dialogue. Must be your years of acting shining through here ;);)

    ‘My mouth feels like I stuffed a million pieces of cotton wool in it and the more I think about it the worse it gets.’

    Without meaning to sound all south London, I really am feeling this! The fact that you can’t stuff a million pieces of cotton in your mouth gives us access to the often underused sense of feel here, arguably taste as well. To make it much more potent though, I would have Joe imagine ten large pieces of cotton since ironically in this description, gross exaggeration sounds too much like a writer trying to send a feeling. Less can be more here because I can imagine trying to stuff a small number of cotton balls– however impossible – into my mouth whereas a million of anything means less to me. A million is unimaginable and thus to you the writer and consequently us readers, not as useful.

    “Yeah, you wanna go to the corner shop on the corner?”

    This is drug talk yes? Maybe have a few more examples of their idiocy as the corner shop on the corner might communicate better.

    “Dude” I turn to the guy willing to put an end to this madness “What’s your real name? – please”
    He looks from me to Jonie and back again – the motion making me feel dizzy and points to his name badge which clearly says “Leon”

    I like this because I’ve been both the person trying to sort out the embarrassment and yeah, I’ve been the drunk twat causing the awkwardness. It works because it is a lovely shared memory, one that I’m sure other people have witnessed/taken part in. For these very potent reasons, these lines are why I’d recommend the story.

    However, your story is missing a key element that should present itself to me either here or the next part: Forward motion.
    Maybe the phone call from Alex will lead to an event, but I’m concerned that you’re happy to have the Joe and jonie hang out together until they either have drunken sex or/and joe comes to his senses. Fill me in on this; these characters need (and as soon as possible please) outer events (A plot) to match their significant and perhaps your particular interest in their emotional arcs (B ploy).
    Until the issue of disequilibrium comes into play, the story risks becoming an indulgence that I for one feel shut out of.

    Now that’s quite a big ask since I do believe there are other chapters already written and online here. I have chosen to ration them monthly so I’m not privy to them so, if something in that last paragraph lit a bulb above your head please, feel free to adapt them before Oct 30th (our next posting).

    Thanks for allowing me to comment ;);)

    John Clay

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  5. If this works then I've found a cool way (via my email) to post on peoples work! I was up till 3ish trying to comment on Leanne's shizzle and you know what my...erm, nizzle? Y'know what? I thought I could rely on Ashley to deliver my comment via annonymous posting but the wench has only gone and posted it as herself! GRRR!!!

    John Clay

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  6. I think John's right here about the need for more external conflict in order to drive the story along. Maybe a change of scene or a chapter which takes us back to a time in the character's shared past would illuminate their relationships with one another and serve to more the story into a new gear?

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  7. Yeah I think that returning to a time when we the reader can be ';et in on' the forming of their trust might be good. Do consider Leannes advise Rach as I want to side with Joe AND Jonie unless of course it is your intention to have us dislike the both of them? Hope not, as I want to side with Joe (As Sim has echoed before, it goes for me too - I've been in Joes position myself). Make the trip down memory lane potent but slight as the plot as I said needs to roll along. Oh and Ash? If I'm a sod, then you're a fanny rash.

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  8. I think you could play into the whole stoned scene more (write more of it). Make them see ‘pretty lights’ or something along the streets. Clichéd, yes, but you know what? Those lights were pretty and they kept me entertained!

    I really think that, at around chapter 3, you should start letting us in on why Joe and Anna went tits up. Even if it’s just little hints, without the full explanation coming in later, cause there’s a lot of moping and no real explanation as to why. (Yes, I know he’s broken-hearted, but I’m a bitch. If I can’t see a reason, I have no sympathy. (This isn’t true in RL, BTW)) You should also start expanding on Jonie and Joe’s relationship, as the others have mentioned.

    You’ve been titling the Chapters as Joe. Are you going to give us the perspective of other characters later on? Cause it would be interesting to see the perspective of each of the other characters e.g. Anna, Jonie and how they really fell about Joe, his unlucky in love choices, etc.

    Also, I like the use of the word ‘Fuck’, but there are a lot of ‘fucks’ used in the first paragraph. I found it a little off putting, but that might just be me.

    Seriously, though, if you’re about to go Fight Club on us, that would be wicked cool.

    My favourite bit:
    “I quiz her on the hammock – don’t get me wrong it sounds amazing right now and Jonie tells me that a hammock is necessary; in order to get the best intoxication you have to have the right leverage and altitude. I nod and gently remind her that the corner shop probably doesn’t sell hammocks.”

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  9. Deffo kudos on the hammock line - forgot to mention in my own commwnt :)

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  10. I'm a little confused - John how many times did you post? And under how many alias?

    Everyone else - thank you, I've taken you're comments on board and I'm gonna keep implementing them in the coming chapters. Ta very much.

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  11. Ask Leanne and she'll tell ya....blogger was very unkind to me.

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  12. Been looking forward to reading more of this unfolding window into these two lives. I love the way you write so aptly from Joe's point of view, and I can understand his reasoning and his attitudes resonate with me. The natural flow of thoughts to action to speech is refreshing and enjoyable. I don't really have much to talk about, the pace is really nice, Joe bustling around to not leave any opportunities to argue is one I really get.

    My favourite part of the whole piece is when Joe and Jonie are stoned: “Yeah but only if you agree to sit still” “I am sitting still” “Fair play” It made me laugh reading it and it's making me laugh as I type it out again, it sounds very much like one of those silly asides that come from being drunk/stoned/ out of it and so fits in great with your really believable character dialogue. I also like the befuddled and comedic interactions with guessing the shop assistants name, again a very fun and believable bit of silly dialogue.

    The switch from drugged silliness to shouting and arguments is very abrupt, a great shock to the system, 'harshing the buzz' as it were (what a cock I sound, typing 'as it were' and 'harshing the buzz' in the same sentence).

    The ending is painfully lovely. You really get at that point that the two of them really care for each other, and see the tenderness and closeness in their friendship. The one thing I will say, and it was the only bit I had to read back to get what was happening is that the line (which I love in it's simplicity and art) "...and for the 2nd time today my shirts damp. I hold her and cry; I can’t help it." That made me double read, which is a read flag to me. I got that she was crying, I understand that he would cry too, that's not my issue. It's just that you went right from intimating to me Joni was crying and then explicitly stating that Joe was crying for some reason threw me. Even a "I hold her and I cry too;" would probably have saved me.

    As ever, great flow, very naturalistic, believable, and empathisable characters. Great work!

    ED: Having read some of the above comments I can say I heartily disagree. There is forward motion here. No it's not specifically plot based, it's forward motion in the sense that we are discovering more about these characters, and their relationship is either expanding or becoming clearer to us as readers. The story doesn't have to be pulled forward on rails, it can be two characters sat in a room for days on end if those two characters are interesting and relatable enough. I for one am enjoying seeing these characters develop and am happy for the rest of the storyline to play out at its own pace, made greater in it's impact in that I am bothered about the people involved.

    So, nerrrrrh! :-D

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  13. :) thsnks for your comment Sim.

    To everyone else chapter 4 is a 3rd draft, do you should get the forward motion/change of pace/character insight you were hoping for.

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