Sunday, 16 September 2012

...Wonderingly Witty

Tonight I have to learn to let you go. Not just for myself but for everything I want, I believe in. Carrying you around with me is beginning to feel too heavy. I can't let the pain that etches itself throughout my heart continue to follow me around. Maybe I should be writing this when I'm sober. Maybe I shouldn't be looking too closely at the shadows. Maybe I shouldn't be analysing the past and looking instead towards the future. Do the scars heal? Once your hearts been broken can it repair itself? Or am I forever damaged? Forced to wander the world looking for that bit of me I left behind with you. Maybe I should stop drinking so much rum. Maybe I haven't drunk enough. I'll continue this in the morning. Hopefully the light will change the dark shades grey and the grey shades light.

Last night was difficult. I am now moving on and saying a big hearty FAREWELL ENGLAND. Farewell to all the shit, bollocks, cunning and down right emotional thievery that I have had to endure over these past, well, I guess it would be 8 maybe 7 years. I look forward to embracing a new destination and hopefully finding "me" and everything I lost for humanity whilst I am away. Sounds heavy doesn't it?  Well tough shit it is.

I said goodbye to the hunk of the family yesterday and today and their positive words will carry me through the most difficult days of my journey. That and the insane amount of pictures I have of all of you MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! I promise I will not use them for voodoo....

*sigh* well there are still things I have to pack, I haven't put away my clean clothes or put that extra bra in my backpack and I still haven't cut my nails yet, I just can't be bothered. I do however have to get up at 6 am to catch my plane, I'm hoping, praying that I get some sleep tonight. Last night I dreamt I was kicked out of a window and fell, landing on my bed with a thump. I woke up and stretched my arms out hoping to find something solid and luckily for me I landed on The Man and was happy to know I wasn't for the time being, completely alone. I dreamt also that the world had flooded. A friend of a friend who has started learning about psychology told me that my dreams are (obviously) pointing towards me leaving and my subconscious wanting something more out of my life. I think I knew that already and I'm glad that I didn't pay a psychiatrist to tell me so. I'm hoping my subconscious will find what it's looking for and allow me to get some bloody rest.

I said goodbye to The Man today and I wasn't the least bit emotional. I mean I was sad, don't get me wrong, but I wasn't emotional. That pull I was hoping to feel wasn't there. Maybe it's the curse of being an actor (actress), maybe the scenes in my head are so much better then real life, so when real life does play out in front of me it's not the same. The emotion isn't there and to be honest there's no fucking background music. No swirl of violins or R Kelly singing some jumped up R&B tune about his baby leaving. None of that. Just a numbness that I'm sure will develop into actually wanting once I realise this isn't a game and I am actually leaving. Like actually leaving and to be frank, he didn't seem that bothered. I think that's what triggered my reaction. I think he's going to miss my bed more then me. It is fucking lush. Oh fuck it, maybe I'm over thinking this and it isn't what I think it is and everything will be dandy, like cotton candy (I'm full of these tonight really aren't I?)

So mi amigos, mi amigas, if anyone out there is actually reading this and you know, wants to know where I'll be placing myself in South East Asia then just click follow (by email mostly - it's the easiest way!) and my weekly updates (hopefully) on Sundays (hopefully) will be your guilty weekend, post hangover, pre brunch treat. So for now I should sign off, go finish packing my bag, putting away my clothes, general freak out before bed and have a good nights rest before tomorrow, which is going to be hard in itself. I have to say goodbye to the parental's and that no doubt will make me weep. I bid you all goodnight and I'll see you on the other side.

Heres hoping.

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