...Finding Creativity

So lately fellows I've been feeling really lost when it comes to my writing. I go to pick up my special writing pen, (because everyone has a special writing pen - obviously. If you don't well, something's clearly not quite right...) and I wait, hand poised in position above my notebook, eyes staring uselessly at the page willing my hand to just start moving. 

Then the brain kicks in and starts screaming "Write! Just write something, for the love of God! Move your bloody hand!" And so I do, I start writing, something, anything and I think "wow this is amazing, an uninhabited stream of consciousness, this is pure gold". I imagine publishing houses fighting over who gets to publish this masterpiece, the book flying of the shelves once published and critics all over the world exclaiming how my work, my glorious work, is better then anything they have ever read, ever. Better then Bronte, Austen, Dickens, Wilde, Pullman, Angelou, Keroac, Orwell, better even then Dante's Inferno, its THAT good. 

And I become excited, throughout this daydream I've let my hand continue to write, not wanting to spoil the marvellous work I'm subconsciously creating and when my hand gently grazes the end of the page, I look down, proudly. I take a deep breath and let my eyes make their way slowly to the top of the page and begin to read. Soon that feeling of joy dissipates. As I continue further down the page all I can think is "What the fuck. Who wrote this shit? It's so smug, I just want to punch myself in the face for being such a pretentious wanker". The daydream I had previously returns and the publishing houses are mocking me, laughing at my failure, the critics turn vicious and start swiping at me with their own writing pens, tearing down my masterpiece and leaving nothing but tattered lines of dialogue, floating hopelessly around my bruised ego. I shudder and put my pen down. 

And this is how it's been for the past few months. 

"Well", I hear you screaming, "what are you going to do about it? Mope around like a little pansy or get back on it?"

Good question, I've tried the moping and it's futile, it just makes whatever I try to write worse, so I'm gonna get back on it, I'm gonna kick writing in the face and make it my bitch. I'm gonna make it crawl and bow down to my superiority. 

(It's a little sadistic I know but hey, whatever works, works, right?) 

However, in order to do this I need a little help (typical). Yesterday I asked the boyfriend to give me a genre, length and deadline and now I've got 30 days to write (at least) a 300 page Thriller novel. Never let it be said that Rachel Elizabeth McKenzie shirks away from a challenge. I'm going to do it, it may be a load of drivel that no one in their right mind would ever read or it may be a bit of alright and a few select people will absolutely love it. But that's the risk isn't it? And why the bloody hell not! 

I'm throwing myself at this with everything I've got and we shall see what emerges on the other side. I'm not going to censor myself, I don't care if I offend, better to write something that gets people talking then writing something that people forget within a matter of minutes. I even done a story arch - THAT'S how serious I am.

I'll post a few bits and bobs on here and give you a few updates - unless I'm huddled in a corner, broken and crying, then expect nothing from me. 


Wish me luck. 

...Signs

Hello cyber fellows, I know it's been a while, many things have happened, blah blah blah and all that bollocks. It's not an excuse, in fact I have no excuse. But whats drawn me back to your lovely bosom is, I guess, because everything's changing. Not in a bad way, in a very, very good way but it's still scary. Change for me is terrifying (yet somehow I still run into it head first).

So as the title says, this post is all about signs. I'm a great believer in signs, not the ones you beg for, on your knees on a dark thundery night but the unexpected ones, the ones you don't see coming and that really take you off your feet. I never look for signs and I never ask the universe for any. I think that if I need a little assistance then it will be given to me, regardless of whether I asked for it or not and whether I think I need it.

Take today for instance, I decided that what I needed for my lunch tomorrow was a brie and cranberry sandwich (random I know) so I popped into the local co op and whilst I perused the brie, completely engrossed in my task - should I choose French or Somerset brie - what, in fact, is the difference? I noticed the couple next to me chatting and being all couple-y and something clicked, I thought, fuck, that voice sounds familiar, I stole a glance at the chap and my heart sunk, I don't think I've moved that fast away from two people in a long time. I didn't even have a chance to deploy the duck and cover procedure, so instead I ducked down the bread aisle. And waited. *deep breath*.

Eventually I popped my head out and made my way to the bread rolls and bumped into him, I pretended to be completely engrossed in the seeded wholemeal bread rolls and tried my best to avoid having a heart attack. Needless to say the co op is out of bounds for a few days.

The whole thing got me thinking though. The next couple of weeks is full on, I'm moving in with my boyfriend, selling the house, embarking on two new projects and trying desperately to keep in shape and not stuff my face with Pringles, but it's hard. And then you start to think, is it worth it? Should I just stay where I am and not embark on another adventure? Not take the next step? Not to try? And I sit here, tapping away on this keyboard and I look around my room that is filled with memories; bits and bobs in corners, secrets tucked away in cupboards, hidden under the bed, the very fibers of my room screaming to be organised, looked at - make a decision!

Make a decision.

I'm with the best person I have ever been with, we're completely absorbed in each other - in a healthy way(!) and it's such a good thing, I'm ridiculously excited and I can't bloody wait to live with him. And ironically, today was the push I needed, seeing a face I never thought I'd see again, feeling that dread, that awful sickness, I just knew, this is a sign (I know I sound a little crazy but please bear with me, I have a point - I think). Life is moving forward and I should go with it, take this sign and run with it - the universe is throwing the gates open and telling me to run, that this is a new beginning.

So I had to stop writing this last night because I became completely engrossed in watching Orange is The New Black - ridiculously addictive. But it did give me time to reflect (you must really hate me now) and I stand by all I've written above. I don't know what the future holds for me - none of us do - but you either embrace the changes and let the current push you forwards or you fight it and have a bloody difficult time with it. I choose the former. It may take me to places I didn't expect to be in or it might just land me exactly where I want to be - wherever that is...but fuck it. Let's do this shit.

I'm gonna raise a glass to new beginnings, to throwing caution to the wind and just living. Now. Right now. The next time you hear from me I will (hopefully) be running in the same vein and keeping one eye out for signs (suggestive wink).

Here's hoping.


P.S the sandwich was really good, I added spinach which made it 100% tastier.

P.P.S I went with French Brie, sorry Somerset.  

...Journey.

Hello cyber lovers, it's been a while - I say that every time and every time I'm shocked that it has been so long. I've been busy working, trying to save money for my next adventure and I've been reflecting - a lot (surprise, surprise...). I've found a way to express what I've found - what I've found so far - in a way I haven't used in a while. So here's a poem, it's got a title. 


Journey.


You know a year ago I would have slapped you,
Forced you to recognise the pain you caused, 
Told you that you don't mess around with girls from South London.

But I let you go when I crossed over borders. 

When I climbed a mountain with monks, 
When I sat by the ocean and let it's waves tell me a story.

When I saw beauty 
and realised it has nothing to do with you.

I have journeyed; I have found and understood what it means to be alive.

I am me,
With no need for you.

...Have A Little Laugh.

So today is comic relief (in Britain, not sure if it happens in other countries, wait no I'm sure it doesn't happen in other countries...) and lots of people are doing lots of silly things to make people laugh and raise lots and lots of money. Well I'm not involved in anything comic wise but I still like to make people laugh so here it goes.

I found this video via the Huffington Post and it is HILARIOUS! It sure as bells made my Friday morning so why not spread some cheer I hear? And just for you I will!

Enjoy!!

Happy Friday people and please enjoy St Patrick's Day/weekend responsibly. (It's on Sunday but why not devote the whole weekend?)

...The Last Book You Read.

The title is pretty self explanatory on this one, I want to know what the last book you read was and what it was like. As most of you know I am an avid reader and if the book is engaging I can finish it within a few days; I prefer to read then to watch tv (sounds like a bloody online dating blurb right? Sickening...).

I always like people to recommend a good book so this is where you guys come in, let me know what the last book you read was and give it a rating. Don't be scared (said in an American accent, preferably a rapper's accent...), you can post under this blog, on facebook or if your massively ashamed of what you've been reading then you can drop me a private message.

Now the last thing I read was Terry Pratchett's "Men at Arms" and before that it was David Mitchell's "Cloud Atlas". I wanted to read the book before I saw the film and I'm glad I did. Bits of his book were (I'm not gonna lie) a struggle, I just didn't give a shit about the character and found my mind drifting off to another dimension. I did however LOVE the middle section, I thought it was well written and engaging (cor it seems like it's a Sunday of big words!) and just for that I would recommend it.

I adore anything Terry Pratchett writes, in my eyes he can do no wrong, he is a bloody genius. I am steadily making my way through his Discworld novels and if it was up to me I would have finished all the books by now but my brain can't handle that much awesomeness in one go. So I have to read in bursts of 2 or 3 otherwise my dreams become infected with Discworld characters and it's quite hard to get much sleep (I don't sleep much anyway so any intrusion on said sleep is NOT WELCOME). I have to read them in the order they were written (I don't know why, just put it down to one of those "eccentricities"). I finished "Men at Arms" in 3 days and I loved it, I really enjoy the Watch characters and anything with them, Death, the Witches or Rincewind in are amongst my favourite stories. If you haven't read any Pratchett then I highly recommend you do it, now, right now, I'm being totally serious.

Some people not familiar with the brilliance of Discworld may call this an obsession (Natalie this is directed at YOU...) and maybe it is but I really don't care, I am obsessed. The books even have their own shelf in my room...see...

a step too far?



 Please don't judge me, I've already judged myself.

Right anyway, I like to keep a stack of "books that must be read" in my room and it looks like this:

I've obviously read "Cloud Atlas" but all the bookshelves are full and it has no home. Next up is another Pratchett and then I want to finish Bram Stocker's Dracula. I'm trying to munch my way through a few of the classics that I neglected to read in Secondary School, primarily because they were "suggested reads" and back then anything that was "suggested" meant it was clearly not worth reading/doing/listening to...etc.

So if you've managed to stumble through this post and want to add books to my pile of "books that must be read" then please do! Don't be afraid! Embrace this! Embrace this right now! Look at all the exclamation marks! Clearly this is something worth doing!

I'll leave you to muse over this, as for me I'm going down to Sainsburys to buy me some ingredients to cook up a Mother's Day storm. I'm going to attempt to cook my mum her favourite food, I'm not going to say what it will be just in case she reads this, I like to cover my bases. I'd be an excellent spy. Fact.

Happy Mother's day everyone and remember a Mother is for life, not just for a day.

...Playing The Waiting Game.

Now we play the waiting game a lot, especially us Brits, we like to show our perseverance for patience and we sit or stand quietly (sometimes making the occasional grunt or sigh - but that is as far as it goes, anymore and it would just be impolite now wouldn't it?) waiting for the queue to budge along, the hold music to err hold (witty I know), for that important email or further more for that all important phone call.

I have been playing the watchthephonetillitringsthengiveitafewsecondsbeforepouncing game. The phone is winning. The bastard. I'm waiting for that all important phone call to tell me that I'm fantastic and I must be employed RIGHT NOW. Obviously not in those exact words however something along those lines wouldn't go amiss. (I'm also waiting for a big ol' delivery of books - yes books, I hate not having anything to read and my new sense of reuse/renew/recycle has led me to ordering second hand books for half the price - result).

But all this waiting has got me thinking, how do other countries/nationalities deal with having to wait? One of the things that wound me up in Asia were other people not queueing. Silly I know but I absolutely hate it when I've been standing there for ages and then some nitwit thinks it's perfectly okay to walk straight to the front because they think their issue is of greater importance then mine. And no I'm not referring to the Thais or the Cambodians, I'm referring to the tourists (bloody tourists) strolling to the front and then looking around shocked when people start complaining and telling them to go to the back. A brilliant example of this was when I was standing in the immigration queue to cross the border into Thailand, on the day were I seriously thought Asia was trying to break me (it nearly won - 4 and a half hours in the sun, shouldering two heavy backpacks, with no food/water or toilet access (cos I was alone I couldn't leave the queue innit?), moving inches every 30 mins - hell) and then all of a sudden I heard people shouting "no, get to the back" and I look up through sweat stained eyes to see a group of people manhandling a guy who was trying to reach someone/something further up in the queue and the people he was trying to barge through kicked off. It's totally understandable, they like me, had been standing in the heat for ages and I guess the overpowering sense of IT'S NOT FAIR gave them a surge of adrenaline because it wasn't fair, he should wait just like the rest of us and fair play to them for telling him so. This shouting carried on for a good few minutes, every time the guy tried to get past them they screamed and shoved him back, needless to say he didn't get past and like the rest of us he had to wait. Result.

So why do people do it? What, pray tell, was the point to my story? Serious questions I know and to be honest I don't really know the answer to either of those questions (to be fair I should know the answer to question 2 but I really just felt like giving a story that sort of backed up my point? *sigh* I was never good at essay writing...) I'm still trying to figure it out. Should we be made to learn how to queue? In fact does it all just boil down to learning how to be patient? Can you teach that? I know we are taught as children to be patient and "to wait our turn" but does it really stick once we grow up and away from our parental talons? Is it a cultural thing? Does it differ from person to person, nationality to nationality? Or is it a personality trait? Can you imagine teaches having to teach their children the art of patience once a week? I know in most schools that wouldn't go down well. So I have a lot of questions but not a lot of answers and I really want to know, yes I could just google it and be content with what wikipedia tells me but I want to debate this. Come on people debate with me!

Needless to say I think I am a patient person - to some degree. If I know what I want is in front of me and is not being given to me then I get angry and demand that the person controlling the said thing I want give it to me. Right now. But if it's something I can't see, something I have no control over whatsoever then - I'd like to think - my patience kicks in and I can't wait, play the waiting game for a while until the paranoia takes over and I convince myself that I don't want it anyway. (Waiting to hear whether or not I got the part is sending my paranoia into overdrive. I've been told by a good friend to wait (there it is again!) till the end of the week *sigh* fingers crossed eh?).

I've been breaking up the wait by playing mindless games on my phone, playing with the cat, quietly tidying up my mental space and giving the postman evils when he doesn't knock on the door, arms weighed down by my joyous package - I want my books dammit!!! They should have been here already *pout*. I have also downloaded (and paid for) a few new albums to lift my mood and give my soul some nourishment. My favourite album being "My Head Is An Animal" by Of Monsters and Men, I love it, it is perfect, it is beautiful and it fills me with a quiet joy every time I listen to it. The stand out song for me is "Your Bones" and it sounds something like this:

So watch and enjoy, please ignore the awful video, it was the only one I could find. If you fall in love with them then "your welcome", if you don't, well then bugger off. Please if you have any answers to my questions above then feel free to voice them, if you don't, well then bugger off. I will continue to play the waiting game and I will also continue to give the postman the stink eye (I know he has my books, he's holding them ransom...) I'll keep you updated cyber buddies.

Until then!

...This Is Fucking Awesome!

Hey party people, it's Friday so you know what I thought I'd share a song with you that I'm quite obsessed with. Since coming back from the East I have been bombarded with all the new music that's currently out at the moment and I have a list the size of my arm of all the music that I am loving! Currently I am crushing "Young the Giant" (their album is AWESOME) and Imagine Dragons song "Radioactive" - I don't know what is about that song but I love it. I could listen to it over and over again.

However all those amazingly ridiculous bands have nothing on this song, don't ask me why I like it so much but I really, really do. There's just something about it; it makes me wanna dance, it makes me want to get dolled up and shake my arse, in short IT IS FUCKING AWESOME! (Please fellows don't judge me by this choice - it's not Nicki Minaj or any of that shit don't worry...I haven't gone that far down the musical road).

Please enjoy!!

To all those still at work "Happy Friday" enjoy your weekend and to all those breaking up for half term, go to the nearest supermarket buy yourself your favourite tipple and GET DOWN MUTHAFUCKERS!

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!