Chapter 6
I’m 15. It’s the first day of year 11, we’re all sitting in the “welcome back” assembly and I see Anna for the first time. She’s the new girl. She’s sitting with Jonies class; we’re all being lectured on the importance of our GCSEs and how they’ll shape our future blah blah blah. The head teacher Mrs Bixley is looking very stern, but Anna, hands in her lap, head turned slightly to the left, is staring out of the window, the rays of early September sunlight bouncing off her long mahogany hair. I’m breathless, I knew then, instantly. Mrs Bixley says “Good Morning everyone” and I forget to speak. I’m entranced.
Her row stands and begins to leave. I panic. Questions fly through my head – when am I going to see her again? Will we have the same classes together? Where does she live? What the hell is her name? I bet her hair smells like roses. Jonie waves to me as she leaves and I give a half hearted wave back, I feel like I can’t coordinate my limbs, my organs are shutting down; I need to see her again.
She’s not in any of my Monday classes. I briefly catch a glimpse of her at lunch. I miss something Jonie says, apparently it was funny coz the whole tables laughing.
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. No classes together. I become obsessed. I need to know more about her. It takes me another week to gather the confidence together to ask Jonie about her. I do it on a Saturday. We’re at hers watching some film about some girl whose parent’s forget her birthday and there’s a foreign dude they keep taking the piss out of. Apparently his name is hilarious. I don’t find it amusing. I always find the 80’s troubling. I’m glad I was born at the end of it.
“Jonie?”
“What Joe?”
“That girl”, my voice squeaks, I sound like a squirrel on crack. I cough, try to clear my throat. Start again.
“What Joe? You know this is my favourite part, it’s where she finally realises what she really wants”
“Just you know that new girl, the one in your class, what’s her name again?”
I peel the label of my Pepsi bottle and nervously roll it into a ball. My hands will not stay still.
“You mean Anna” she gives me a side long glance “what about her?”
“I just, I’m just curious you know?”
My hands are sweating and I feel like there are a hundred tiny beady eyes staring at me.
Jonie sighs and pauses her film; she turns to look at me.
“Her name is Anna Finn, she’s 15, nice girl, fucking clever, she’s in like the higher sets for everything and I mean everything – she’s taking triple science – who the hell knows that much about science? That is also why you haven’t seen her around because even though you’re pretty Joe, you’re just not that bright.”
Jonie laughs. I force a smile.
“What else...umm she’s got good tits, perfect bum and yes Joe her hair does smell like roses.”
“What? I never asked you about her hair or you know her um bits, I just wanted to know a little bit about her coz she’s new and how do you know what her hair smells like?”
“You’re so transparent Joe! And we sit next to each other in Spanish, English and Maths – you know, alphabetically. Finn – her, Fisher – me, Michael Harris behind us, who by the way, constantly has his hands down his pants, it is foul”.
“Right, so she’s smart?”
“Super smart, so what now?”
I take a deep breath, I’m nervous. I doubt we’d have anything to talk about. I don’t think she’d want anything to do with someone like me.
“Joe? How about I talk to her for you? She’s alright, David Schwartz already made a pass for her and she turned him down so you never know.”
“David? Really? He’s not bad looking”
“Yep”
With that Jonie presses play and we’re transported back to a time when everything was just a little bit easier and a lot more camp.
Its three days later and all I can think about is Anna Finn, now I know her name I can’t stop saying it. I fantasise about her touching me, being next to me, fuck just being in my general area doing the things you do with a girl. Jonie plonks down next to me at lunch; she’s wearing baggy blue trousers and some very questionable eye makeup.
“Jonie?”
“I’m making a protest Joe.”
“About what?” I can just about hold back my laughter.
Jonie sighs.
“About the explotation of the female form, get with it Joe.”
“I can name about three female forms you wanna exploit.” I laugh.
“Well, I guess you don’t want this then”
Jonie slides a piece of paper out of her art book and floats it in front of my eyes. I see a name and a number – wait a name and a number!
“Jonie!” I grab the piece of paper and capture Jonie in a headlock, planting a kiss on her forehead.
At home I put the piece of paper on my desk. I turn on my red habitat desk lamp and angle it on said paper; somehow it makes it seem more dramatic. I stare at it, it taunts me. I know I’m not brave enough to call her yet. I put her number in my silver Nokia 3330, it feels like a good step to take. It takes six days to work up the courage to call her. Through those six days Jonie keeps giving me that look – her greedy information hunting look. But I have nothing to tell her yet; I can’t exactly say I’m too much of a pussy to call the girl I’ve been obsessing about for the past term. So instead I lift weights, I eat healthily and I buy a Clearasil face wash and moisturiser. I have to look my best for when Anna picks up the phone.
On the seventh day I pick up my Nokia, I go over to my desk and switch on the red habitat light. I don’t know why, it just feels like good luck. I wheel over my desk chair and sit down, pushing my weight into the chair until it feels comfortable. I scroll down to Anna Finn. I take a deep breath but my hands are shaking, this is so fucking important, my whole life rests on this one phone call. I hit dial and I put the phone to my ear. It starts to ring and I panic.
“Hello?”
I pull the phone away from my ear and drop it onto the desk. Fuck. I stare at it like it doesn’t belong to me. Wait, did I hang up? Oh shit she’s still there isn’t she? Pick up the phone for fucks sake Joe! My hand snatches the phone from my desk and hovers near my ear before my brain has the sense to tell my mouth to speak.
“Err hey”
“Hi”
“It’s umm Joe. Joseph Blunt. Or Joe as you know everyone calls me Joe, but yeah, you can call me Joe”
I’m a complete and utter failure.
“Hi Joe, took you long enough to call me don’t you think?”
“Yeah sorry about that, I had umm shit to do. Not an actual shit, just you know stuff.”
She laughs. I slap a hand to my face. Epic fail Joe.
“Right I have to finish my English essay, so how about you call me in an hour. You know, after dark.”
I get what she means and I’m nodding my head. For a split second it feels like she can see me but in reality it’s just silence.
“Joe?”
“Yeah course, after dark.”
We say our goodbyes and hang up. My mind begins to imagine a world of dirty late night calls. I flex my right hand; I hope it can keep up tonight.
I call Anna in exactly one hour and we just talk and it’s perfect. My right hand gets a rest for the night. We fly through different subjects from music to poetry to Byker Grove and back and I’m awed by her. I want her to be mine. I don’t want any other man to have this feeling about her, it has to be all mine.
Weeks fly past and we get closer and closer and soon it’s the end of year 11 and it’s summer and we’re together, we have been for months and it’s beautiful. Me and Anna. Anna and I. Phrases I use often and ones I plan on using forever. Anna tells me about all the things she loves and I learn so much about her it’s unreal. I feel like my hearts about to burst. I just want to be inside her. I want to peel off my skin and slip inside hers and feel it, you know. I want us to not be two separate entities but to be one being. I’m in love.
Anna’s favourite subject is English, so she’s going to take English Lit and English Language as A levels, as well as Art. I’m gonna do photography and, well I haven’t decided what else. We’re both staying onto Kingsdale’s sixth form as well as Jonie, whose gonna be doing Art and English Lit with Anna. It will be the best two years of my life.
Anna’s favourite poet is William Blake and on these hot summer days we go down to Dulwich Park, find a great big shady tree to lie underneath and Anna reads his poems to me. I can feel my mind expanding to all the possibilities this universe holds and I want to consume her passion and make it my own.
A month before sixth form starts Anna and I talk about sex. I want it and so does she, but we’ve only been going out for nine months, not even a year and she doesn’t want to be seen as easy, I tell her it shouldn’t matter what anybody else thinks. It should be just about the two of us and I just want her to feel comfortable, you know. I don’t want her to feel like I’m pushing her. A few weeks later I tell her I love her and she says she loves me. I’m floating. This is a fantastic day. I tell Jonie when I get home but she only rolls her eyes at me and tells me to grow my balls back. I tell her I can’t, I’m too up. So she makes me roll us a joint and tells me to drop back down. Jonie’s been acting a little off lately, she met this girl called Alex at work and since then she’s been a bit caught up but fuck it, we’re young, we should be caught up and Jonie can handle herself.
Anna and I have sex exactly one week before starting sixth form. We do it in my bed because my mum’s always at work and unlike Anna’s parents; she’s not always bursting in randomly to “check if we need anything” and also my mum doesn’t give a fuck what I do. As long as I use protection, she’s cool.
Anna’s body is perfect. I watch her slowly undress. First she slips off her pale blue sundress and lets it drop to the floor. I can feel myself getting hard. She pushes me onto my single bed and climbs onto my lap. Her hips are warm and smooth and their making my pulse race. She undoes my jeans; I undo her bra – after a few attempts. Her breasts are prefect. I cup them in my hands and I can’t believe I’m actually holding Anna Finns breasts. I feel like I’m about to explode. I need to calm down. I put my hands around her waist and pull her down to me. I try to think about something other than how great her body feels on top of mine, I want to make sure I don’t disappoint, if you know what I mean. I run my fingers around her underwear and gently tug at the waistband – they slip off easily. We’re both breathing heavily, the afternoon light shedding a beautiful glow over our young, eager bodies. I lay Anna on her back and reach over to my bedside cabinet. I pull a string of condoms out. Anna looks up and laughs.
“You wish!”
I grin sheepishly and tear one off. Her hands slip easily over the elastic of my boxers and I feel her warmth as she runs her hands slowly over my bum. With one action she pulls my boxers off. I rip open the packet and pull the condom out and roll it on – I watched a video on the internet about how to put one on before Anna got here. I wanted to make sure this went smoothly and so far, so good. I position my body above Anna, her beautiful blue eyes giving me permission, we kiss, I enter her and it feels fucking fantastic. Everything is perfect.
Or so I thought.
We start sixth form together and everything starts off great. We meet up before school, at break time and lunchtime, after school and we fuck – all the time. At Christmas Anna goes skiing in the Swiss Alps with her family – its tradition, apparently. Those two weeks she’s gone go by so slowly and I miss her so badly. I didn’t hear from her at all and when she got back something just didn’t feel quite right.
She stopped reading poetry and started reading Cosmo instead. She wouldn’t meet me for breakfast or lunch or dinner. We didn’t fuck as much and Jonie told me she stopped coming to their art classes. I was worried, like seriously worried.
A few days later I went round her house. It was our one year anniversary. I rang the doorbell and her mum answered with that face on. That fucking sour lemon face, I hate it. I always thought that woman needed a good shag. Anyway, I sat down on one of their uncomfortable formal chairs and Annas mum sat across from me. I waited for Anna for what felt like hours. Her mum just kept staring at me with that face and I swear to God her eyes didn’t blink – not once.
Around the stuffy lavender scented room pictures of their creepy, happy family faces stared back at me – judging me along with her mother. I was so relieved when Anna came into the room. But her hair – she cut it all off. Her beautiful mahogany hair that used to grace the base of her back so wonderfully was gone and in its place, so crudely brushing her cheek was a bleached blonde bob cut. I smiled but my heart was breaking. I knew then that the Anna I fell in love with, the Anna I held so dearly to me was gone. But I refused to let go. She was mine and she will always be mine.
Around the stuffy lavender scented room pictures of their creepy, happy family faces stared back at me – judging me along with her mother. I was so relieved when Anna came into the room. But her hair – she cut it all off. Her beautiful mahogany hair that used to grace the base of her back so wonderfully was gone and in its place, so crudely brushing her cheek was a bleached blonde bob cut. I smiled but my heart was breaking. I knew then that the Anna I fell in love with, the Anna I held so dearly to me was gone. But I refused to let go. She was mine and she will always be mine.
Two months later she ended it and at that exact moment my life ended. No one will ever compare to Anna Finn.
I used to wait by her locker and I would put little secret messages in there. Things only her and I knew about. Snippets of Blake, Keats, Cummings – fuck I even wrote a few myself. She never looked at me. Never acknowledge their existence and all the while my heart ached. Every day without her a new bit of me fizzled away and I stopped feeling like myself and started to feel like someone else.
Eventually Jonie found out – I couldn’t keep it from her and she told me to stop but I refused. Then one day all over the common room and the corridors were my poems, the ones I wrote for her and underneath every single one of them Anna had written
Eventually Jonie found out – I couldn’t keep it from her and she told me to stop but I refused. Then one day all over the common room and the corridors were my poems, the ones I wrote for her and underneath every single one of them Anna had written
“By Joe Blunt. If you ever want a pussy he’s your man. Get the picture now Joe?”
I got the picture. I was so humiliated; everyone took the piss out of me for months. I backed away from Anna and kept my head down. I started smoking more and I forgot about where she lived and the smell of her hair, her favourite poem, song, perfume, movie, place to be kissed.
That is until the end of sixth form and the night of Katie Lansfields party. It was a celebratory party, with lots of alcohol and lots of drugs. I didn’t drink much but I hit the pills pretty hard, it gave me a nice buzz but Anna, she was fucked from the beginning. The guy she was with was clearly happy about how loose she had gotten. She was practically humping him at one point. Jonie told me to forget her but it hurt so much. Anna was mine and he had his fucking hands all over her. I was so angry, I could have kicked the shit out of him but instead I left and walked home, with my tail between my fucking legs. An hour later she called me crying and I came running.
It’s been that way ever since.
I actually think this chapter is one of the strongest we've seen from you so far, Rachel. We finally get to see how Anna and Joe's relationship first began. His teenage infatuation with her is completely believable and their tentative relationship at fifteen was realistic.
ReplyDeleteIs there any chance that, further down the line, Anna might tell Joe what happened when she went skiing, or why she suddenly went off him in such a dramatic way? It might make a good plot point to consider and would certainly give Joe some closure that he so desperately needs.
The main criticism here is that you should really keep an eye on your use of apostrophes. There are many instances where you have missed them out, especially from the word "it's" and when there are possessive nouns and contractions. It might be worth getting someone else to proof-read for you, as this is just the sort of thing that's so easy to miss.
Once aspect of Joe's personality became apparent in this piece though: a quite sinister, obsessive side to his feelings for Anna. (Particularly the lines "I just want to be inside her. I want to peel off my skin and slip inside hers and feel it, you know. I want us to not be two separate entities but to be one being.") This, for me, really jars with everything we have come to know about the character and his submissive, yielding relationship with Anna. The undercurrent of violence that those lines conveys seems very out of place to me and you are in danger of undermining the reader's sympathy for the protagonist. I'd be interested to see what other people think about this though.
In terms of furthering the characterisation of Joe and his sense of conflict, I think it is a very solid piece. The way the final line conveys a sense of bitterness and resignation is almost heart-breaking.
I get so confused with the use of apostrophes! I will read through it all again and see what's what.
ReplyDeleteYou should have titled your comment "spoiler alert"! lol. We do find out what happens a little later on, but I shall not give anymore away.
Those few lines were meant to come across as obsessive. Maybe a re-write, so it doesn't sound so sinister? What do you think?
Ok this is going to be an oddly mixed critique. I'll start with the positives:-
DeleteMonth on month you're writing is improving, getting tighter, and I agree with Leanne that this is one of the strongest sections.
You a weaving in description really well, and having it hold meaning just not some necessary detail. Mostly with Anna and Jonie granted, rather than places etc. Still a great improvement. This bit especially-
"Anna, hands in her lap, head turned slightly to the left, is staring out of the window, the rays of early September sunlight bouncing off her long mahogany hair. I’m breathless, I knew then, instantly."
The spacing here is good too, not lingering too long on one time, but clearly following a theme through the months.
Strangely I think it is Jonies' chara that comes through strongest here, you give us quick glimpses into heoes' eyes-who knows her well, these little snippets all meld very well and it seems to me that she is the chara clearest in your mind.
Anna still remains enigmatic, not only for her apparently random decision to end relationship (2bh I cant blame her-I'd dump Joe too), but for the fact that all the details we get through Joe are quite superfluous. He doesn’t really seem to know her at all, but rather what she represents to him.
Ok the negatives:-
To go with the theme of this piece-GCSE Drama. Flashbacks. I mentioned the other month how I find it frustrating how each scene starts with his waking up or getting in his car. Cue action! And of course Joe passes out...and we get a flashback. Inevitable and I hate to say it, boring.
Its not the content, or plot arc I have a problem with, its the structure and finesse. Oddly now we've had this retro info dump I see great potential. And I really don’t mind a flash back...but think of when people actually have them. When something triggers it. I get hw the looming party would perhaps trigger some memory. But this is where you could get really creative and interesting and underline certain parts of his chara.
Basically I think you should take this section, break it up, polish each emotional time period and work it into the chapters we have had (or will have if that suits the dynamic better). IE. The first part, where he first sees here would be a great contrast to Ch.1 (I think) when she is drunk in is car being vicious and he drops her off home.
It would give the reader a vested interested in how they ended up there after such a sweet beginning.
Perhaps work on his humiliation in the common room a bit more and put this into his meltdown before he passes out in the last segment...showing how his anxiety associates with a very negative experience...which is centred around Anna, of course.
Whilst I will still maintain this is a strong section it does drag on a bit. I thin in part because of how much we learn in one dollop but also for the time refs.
1.I’m 15. It’s the first day of year 11, we’re all sitting in the “welcome back” assembly and I see Anna for the first time.
2.Monday
3.Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
4.Its three days later
5.On the seventh day
6.Weeks fly past
7.A month before sixth form starts
8.Anna and I have sex exactly one week before starting sixth form.
9.We start sixth form together and everything starts off great.
10.A few days later
11.Two months later she ended it
there are a few more....but. It gets tiresome. The first few work as it is in that initial rush of first seeing her and it makes sense he would count the days. ok. Then there is a small passage of time which is quite clear in the text without obviously stating it, specially when Anna says 'it took you long enough' this is a clear indication of time.
Delete6-8 could all easily be achieved through description. When Jo is recounting what she like etc he can describe her various weather situations. LOL that doesn’t sound so great spelled out but could easily show his romantic attachment. Something like 'Anna with snow in her warm hair quoting Blake' 'Anna breathlessly laughing as we slip on ice, from class to class' When they discuss sex, rather than explicitly state its summer tell us its hot and he is fascinated by how her cleavage glistens. You mention a sundress when they have sex so we know that time as elapsed since they met in September.
All this careful time keeping also means you slip up. They meet on the 7th day after starting school, which would be mid-end of September (depending on starting date). Yet their anniversary is a couple of weeks after Christmas.
9 is fair enough, 10 unnecessary as you say its their anniversary so here we have two time tags.
Some niggles:-
"im obsessed" clashes with Joe's reluctance to admit his feelings right away to Jonie. And its a little obvious. "I need to see her." followed by " I have too." would achieve the same affect without actually stating it.
Branding. There is a paragraph which is choc full of branding, and this struck me as odd. I know John's a fan of product placement and I’m generally a bit dubious about it (inc when I’ve used it myself). I always worry its a bit clunky. But I understand the choice to use it. Unfortunately here you use it three times in one para and not at all through the rest of the piece. "Habitat" "Nokia" "Clearasil" (and then you repeat all but the spot fighting in the first line of next para.)
masturbation. "I flex my right hand; I hope it can keep up tonight.
I call Anna in exactly one hour and we just talk and it’s perfect. My right hand gets a rest for the night." Okay. I did not get this at all. Teenage boy, check, wanking/thoughts of wanking over a hot girl, well yeah. But the seeming expectation that he will be doing it over the phone right away? And that he needs to keep it up? Nah...mebe wondering he he'd have time for a quick one before, or if he’s really pervy if he could get away with it during without her noticing....mmmm
Joe's language. I get that he's a teenager, and you’ve embraced the mode of speech to signify this but he comes across as, well, dumb. And its not that different to his normal 'voice'. One or the other needs tweaking.
I like the idea of a "flashback after every scene" and to be honest I wasn't sure about the whole flashback as an episode/chapter either but I felt like there needed to be a glimpse into the past and I didn't know where to put it! So yes, I agree with the flash backs tying in with every "key" point but how do I do this without making the peice seem dull and lengthy? Unless I alternate present chapters with past chapters?
DeleteWould like to know your thoughts on this. I have linked in an idea of where I could put a few which would work. It is all a work in progress!
Also describing the seasons instead of mentioning it - I have a lot to take on board!
Your bang on with Joe seeing Anna as a ideal but not a person. He is so wrapped up in the idea of her I think he forgets she's an actual person.
Regarding the obsessed line and him not wanting to talk to Jonie about it - he wants to keep Anna to himself. He doesn't want Jonie to know about how deep his obsession runs (even though she does know and also at this time she meets Alex, so she has bigger fish to fry anyway).
I really like this chapter. You convey the teenage crush and the subsequent anxiety very well. For example: “So instead I lift weights, I eat healthily and I buy a Clearasil face wash and moisturiser. I have to look my best for when Anna picks up the phone.” Everyone knows you’ve got to look good for a phone call!
ReplyDeleteI’m in agreement with the obsessive lines; they’re quite sinister! ‘Speshly, as Leanne said, it seems quite out of character for Joe as the moment... It's not that they're bad lines either, it’s just the kind of thing you’d want him to say after he’s cracked... well, it's the kind of thing I would expect him to say after he has cracked. Will he crack and go batshit?
The line: “I peel the label of my Pepsi bottle and nervously roll it into a ball.” I don’t know if it’s an accident – but what’s that thing they say about being sexually frustrated and peeling labels? It’s very well placed in the story for this reason - even if it’s an accident.
One final thing: this line made me laugh out loud: “I sound like a squirrel on crack” It just painted such a clear picture in my mind of a nervous adolesent boy.
Also (okay one final thing - for real this time): I'm intrigued as to what happened to Anna on the Skiing holiday and why she suddenly dumped Joe. This chapter really makes me feel for Joe.
Double check your punctuation, there's a lot more commas than necessary in some bits, whilst others have none: "The Head teacher, Mrs Bixley, is looking very stern" Don't know the 'proppa werdz' for it, but I always naming someone like that needs it's own aside/beat. The rest of that sentence needs a comma-ectomy and the judicious addition of the word 'and', plus don't be afraid of breaking a sentence up (such as after the statement "I'm Breathless").
ReplyDeleteAfter this opening though, the flow picks up more, particularly as we get to some good old nervous Joe exposition and some Jonie sarcastic mockery. Once again their interactions and dialogue add spark to your piece.
Liked Jonie's 'protest' moment. I can almost see the rolled eyes and hear the exasperated sigh at Joe 'not getting it'. Quality characterisation.
You've done something in the third section that is one of my pet peeves - Naming things. Mentioning the make of the lamp and the mobile doesn't add anything for me, and instead breaks up the rhythm of the piece. Plus, and I don't know why it's just something that irritates me, you used digits. I really hate reading digits. They look really out of place to me. But that could just be my neuroses so feel free to argue.
Agh. you mention the exact same things again.
Oh bless you Joe. What starts out as slightly sweet, peppered with some sexual yearning, turns pretty fucking freaky. "I want to peel off my skin and slip inside hers and feel it, you know." Sweet, passionate, desperate, intense, fucking weird and a lot creepy. Nice.
Oh man, what a bitch - You really don't like women, do you Rachel? :-)
I'm gonna disagree with some of the other points made. First relationships are extreme in every way. Whether Joe would admit emotions later in life or not is moot, as this is all formative. You could just as easily argue that he doesn't open up after being quite so burned by his 'first'. The piece makes it obvious from the start that he paints this image of Anna without actually knowing anything about her.
I also don't think having a flashback whilst unconscious is cheesy or boring. It's an established trope, but the reason is that it works, it is familiar, and I for one wouldn't question it. He was thinking about school before he went to sleep, and so now we see it. I don't think he's dreaming it, I just think it was mentioned in the story and now we, the reader, are being shown it. It's presenting back-story rather than documenting a dream.
Good addition and important back-story to the characters. It could even be fun to see this whole sequence from Jonie's perspective, either seeing the facts without Joe's rose-tinting, or with her snide yet protective viewpoint. As ever, your character interaction is second to none and your portrayal of a (if not slightly obsessed) male viewpoint is pretty much bang-on. I would possibly have Joe think a restrained or guilty thought in regards to Anna's physical attributes (boobs or body or face at least, whatever) whilst he looking at her for the first time. Yes he romanticises her, but even the most in their head obsessive teenage boy would chance a glance, as it were. He'd do it, but would more than likely feel ashamed of himself for doing it, or would be terrified that she saw.
Again, look forward to the next thrilling instalment!
I disagree with Ashley here, in that I don't think this section is overwhelming as a single flashback. In my experience, people will often relate little stories like this, though I agree that we need some indication as to what has triggered the memory. It could be something seemingly random and mundane that strikes a chord with Joe and takes him back to that time.
ReplyDeleteI do agree though that the time descriptors are a little heavy-handed. Describe the quality of the light (summer sun very different to the watery light of a winter afternoon) or the smells associated with the different seasons. John and Ashley really helped me a while back by suggesting that sense impressions shouldn't be limited to what your characters see. In fact, it could be argued that sounds, tastes and smells are particularly evocative, and vital to memory. Touch is always a tricky one, but if you're feeling adventurous, slip it in there.
I also agree with Sim, it would be fascinating to see the same period of time from Jonie's pov. I'm particularly intrigued by the character of Alex. Is there any chance we'll find out more about her soon?
Also, you said a while back that there was a reason why Joe and Jonie's names are so similar. I'd love to know what you mean by that, as your cryptic words have been teasing me ever since. I don't have a problem with characters with similar names though, I think it all just adds to the realism.
Also also, I had an idea that maybe Joe could be photographing Anna in one of these flash back memories? Like a mock photo shoot in the summer or something? It would emphasise again Joe's creativity and need to impress and I think, from what we've heard about Anna, she would be flattered to be photographed. Just a thought, what do you all think?
At last I get round to commenting on your stuff dude and just to warn you, I’m paying little heed to critique made by others as this kind of comment:
ReplyDelete‘Blah blah has pretty much said all I wanted to say on blah blah subject’
…is no comment at all and in fact might close off particular nuances on said convention/character motivation/whatever that the reviewer in mind could give. Also (and I think I’ve ranted about this in person) there is ALWAYS something left for me to dissect/analyse in any given piece so expect loads of specifics from moi.
‘I’m 15. It’s the first day of year 11, we’re all sitting in the “welcome back” assembly and I see Anna for the first time. She’s the new girl. She’s sitting with Jonies class; we’re all being lectured on the importance of our GCSEs and how they’ll shape our future blah blah blah. The head teacher Mrs Bixley is looking very stern, but Anna, hands in her lap, head turned slightly to the left, is staring out of the window, the rays of early September sunlight bouncing off her long mahogany hair. I’m breathless, I knew then, instantly. Mrs Bixley says “Good Morning everyone” and I forget to speak. I’m entranced.’
Good opening paragraph from you dude. I recollected my own experience of coming back to school, how there was always a looking about at others and how hairstyles maybe changed or new people might have joined the school. Maybe mention a fat kid still being fat (or better still getting fatter) or how a certain group of boys were given a quiet telling off for nattering? Might add to the sense of atmosphere. I don’t think it will take away from Joe being entranced. In fact you can show how he is being entranced by all these other images begin to pale as he notices Anna. Don’t think you need to have the ‘I’m entranced.’ Bit at the end. Allow us readers to decide that for ourselves?
Up until now I haven’t quite noticed it as an adage or a negative but I think that you tend to tell the reader what the character is feeling rather than be content with your more than apt description of their mental state. In the next paragraph…
ReplyDelete'Her row stands and begins to leave. I panic. Questions fly through my head – when am I going to see her again? Will we have the same classes together? Where does she live? What the hell is her name? I bet her hair smells like roses. Jonie waves to me as she leaves and I give a half-hearted wave back, I feel like I can’t coordinate my limbs, my organs are shutting down; I need to see her again.'
- we can see him fretting over Anna, we don’t need him to say ‘I panic’ as it only comes across as you the narrator telling us what you think we need to know to follow the story. Maybe you feel you ought to (style thing) but I’d say I like to play detective when it comes to reading otherwise I may as well be watching T.V or some other medium where my brain is discouraged from working with the piece to create a picture (comics, theatre computer games).
‘I always find the 80’s troubling. I’m glad I was born at the end of it.’
I love this line as it allows me to wonder about how Joe thinks of the eighties which in my mind I remember as grim and yet, the nineties for all its technicolour wasn’t devoid of war or social upheaval either. It is quite telling how one generation views the decade they were born in but didn’t experience. I feel thankful for being born at the end of the seventies. Don’t ask me why. I’d stick to text and not digits for your prose as it looks more pro. Don’t ask me that either, it’s just something I got told once in The Circle and I can’t help but adhere to as a rule now.
‘Nice girl, fucking clever, she’s in like the higher sets for everything and I mean everything – she’s taking triple science – who the hell knows that much about science?’
Aside from the grammar here (try this: ‘Nice girl – fucking clever; she’s in like the higher…) I like the who the hell knows that much about science bit. Jonie is quite likeable when she makes remarks like that. The squirrel on crack bit is something that someone would say but I can’t quite hear it as a voice. Don’t know if it’s lazy writing on your part or the pitfall of having a teen guiding our point of view, but I don’t think the description helped your piece here. Since he is young and questioning, I’d have Joe wonder what do squirrels or other animals for that matter sound like on drugs. It (or something similar) could run through the piece as it would provide relief from his constant obsession which runs the risk of seeming rather one note.
On a brighter one, the conversation between Joe and Jonie is fully realised and although I don’t get the logic of Joe deriving hope from Anna turning down someone who isn’t bad looking, I appreciate that you employ a few other secondary characters to make the school a believable one. There are hundreds of characters in school – pepper your pieces with the funniest of em. Not sure about the likelihood of someone feeling themselves up in class. What did happen in your school days Rachel?
ReplyDeleteI love the immediacy of:
‘I see a name and a number – wait a name and a number!’
Might have to nick this for a future dialogue heavy Spiderfingers issue…
I’d mention the Nokia but not the model number (in this case it looks awkward and unnecessary). A lamp can just be a lamp depending on who is describing it and why.
‘We fly through different subjects from music to poetry to Byker Grove and back and I’m awed by her. I want her to be mine. I don’t want any other man to have this feeling about her, it has to be all mine.’
We dance might work better than we fly as it connotes interaction between himself and Anna (which is good because Joe always comes across as sounding detached).
Considering how smitten Joe is from the start I find it odd that you have him declare his love nine months into their relationship. Can you tell me why, as I just don’t buy it – Joe would feel compelled to risk ruining it and telling her because he is so self-orientated.
I like the break in the fourth wall:
‘I want to make sure I don’t disappoint, if you know what I mean.’
Now you’ve done this you can do it again every now and then to help renew what I suspect might become a tiresome subject matter. I’ve said it before and I’m really pleading for it now: Give your characters some event to work through. Having Joe’s dilemma is not enough for a story, you merely have the starting block all shiny and gleaming. Start the race.
I think for me to feel more for Joe you could allude to his great embarrassment regarding the poems that Anna revealed to the world. There is your action/drama and I think you could show us it happening, have some of his mates rib him about it rather than Joe just tell us they did. I want to go through Joes pain via an aggressor rather than have him feel sorry for himself. In fact, it is only when Jonie is directly ribbing him that I feel for joe NOT when he is relaying his woe to us. See the difference?
I’d second anyone suggesting that you write from another characters perspective (Just had a look at the comments and Sim suggested Anna) as it will provide a break from Joe who I’m finding a little (well O.K, a lot) repetitive. His life isn’t fantastical and so to follow him with more enthusiasm will require you to pull out more stops on the development of his character.
Read what Leanne said about his photography. Do it. Make Anna the reason why he got into it in the first place. Does Joe prefer landscapes or people? Maybe he could be a bit more arty in the present (have him take pics of people unawares maybe? I see him always on the outside looking in so this bit of info/action might help illustrate that).
On the whole I’d say that the writing has levelled off in terms of development and that the flashback here is good and might be improved if we experience Joe from other perspectives (really make the poem humiliation the main dramatic hook).
Had a skim through the next episode just now actually. Drama!
General note. Thanks for all the ideas regarding this flashback. I knew something was missing before I posted it but for the life of me I couldn't figure out what it was. However you've given me a lot of ideas to plump out Joe and the rest of the story in general.
ReplyDeleteLove the idea of writing from Jonie's point of view, but I'm scared she'd turn into a whiny character (much like Joe can be) and I don't want that for her. How do I get over this fear?
Also will stop naming things! I thought it added to the "past" effect and the whole flashback story.
That "peel off my skin" line is supposed to be Joe really wanting to get inside her. Have none of you had that feeling before?! Just me? ok.
Sim - Really like the idea of writing from Jonies point of view for the same time period. Will play around with it.
Leanne - good idea abt photography. When I do the big rewrite that is one of the things that needs to be woven into the story to make mor sense.
The daydream/panic of Joe thinking about the party in the park was supposed to then tie in with his awful experience with Jonie at school. Shall make this a little clearer.
Idea of using senses instead of descriptions is something I'm going to massively take on board. Just skimmed read the "last" 3 chapters of Joe and I can see where these can be added in. May do a tweak before nxt posting.
John - Good idea about opening sequence, will add it in the "BIG REWRITE!!"
I will also lighten up on the "describing every action as it happens" style...if you can call it a style. I think it's just the actor in me trying to make everything really fucking clear.
Ironically I like the 80's or should I say I like 80's movies?
Also like the idea of Joe deviating towards jumped up crack squirrels. It is definitely something he would do. I left little things like this out because I didn't want the chapter to be too long.
Also (also) like the change of line from "we fly" to "we dance" seems very romanticised and something Joe would do. Everything about Anna is perfect (to him anyway) and he doesn't see a person, he sees a object that has to be his. It's complete infatuation. Will also up the ante on his humiliation. I like that idea and will add it into the "BIg REWRITE" gonna call it that from now on.
Cheers guys for your comments as ever and always you've been helpfull.
'Love the idea of writing from Jonie's point of view, but I'm scared she'd turn into a whiny character (much like Joe can be) and I don't want that for her. How do I get over this fear?' - Rachel M
ReplyDeleteSwitching from one character to another won't seem easy. Without a doubt you'll find that Joe and jonie will share more than few ways of talking (it's your voice that'll come through strongly) but it'll be worth the risk. I think that as long as you see it as work in progress you'll have what it take to turn in something that in its actuality will be a million times better than the messy unfocussed scenario you have in your head. That's what I tell myself anyway.
Then of course I end up with something that is nowhere near what I want BUT, I am happy...I have it out of the world of possibilities infinitum (my head) and out in the real world where it becomes less daunting and more dare I say it, fun.
I thought this was brilliantly realistic.
ReplyDeleteDown to the possessive way he ends up thinking about her.
Quite realistic for a teenage way of thinking.
I also like the fact that you don't know what happens with Anna and why she changes.
I found that made me relate to his confusion.
Plus I think everyone has been in a similar position with friends, partners etc. It struck a chord with me.