This is a short chapter - not sure if Chapter 4 and 5 should be merged together to make one chapter? Thoughts please and remember it's only a second draft!
Chapter 5
I wake up thirsty and grope for my beer. I sit up and try to adjust my eyes to the light. It’s still so hot. I need to take this t-shirt off, I can’t breathe. I pull it off and flop back down on the grass. The sun feels so good on my skin; I just wanna roll in it. I look over at Jonie and she’s completely engrossed in a magazine. I don’t know which one but they’re all the same essentially.
“Hey Jonie”
“Afternoon sleepyhead, enjoy your sleep did you?”
“Yeah”
I stretch out, letting the backs of my arms graze along the grass.
“You got my sunglasses?”
“Yeah hold on Joe, they’re in the bag somewhere”
With that she throws me the bag and I dig around, unearthing colonies of forgotten biscuits along the way. Finally my hand gropes the cold plastic of my sunglasses and I pull them out, shaking off the crumbs at the same time. I put them on and I feel invisible, I love how sunglasses can do that. I feel as if I could go sulking through the trees, a hunter looking for fit young women to take home and conquer and no one would think it weird because no one could see me. My name is Joe, hunter of the young and sexy. I’ve definitely been in the sun too long. I need some water.
“So what are we doing tonight?”
“I dunno Joe what do you feel like doing?”
“Mass orgy?”
“Pass”
“Shame. I was saving my best moves”
“Guess it’ll have to wait till the next full moon Joe”
Through this exchange Jonie hasn’t looked up from her magazine, not once. I find that irritating. She should look at me when we’re talking. Otherwise how am I supposed to know she’s listening to me? Not necessarily all the time, but a bit of eye contact every now and then. Throw a dog a bone for fucks sake.
Jonie turns towards me suddenly. Shit, has she learnt how to read my thoughts. I knew it.
“Do we know her Joe?” she says, thrusting a finger at the picture of tall, dark skinned women in a yellow bikini, with amazingly short hair and even better breasts.
“Err” I pull myself onto my elbows and stare at the picture.
“Yeah we do Joe, she went to Kingsdale remember”
Oh shit Kingsdale, an expensive private school in the heart of Dulwich. Dad wanted a boarding school, to build a "strong educational background" but mum wanted a public school, to build a "strong personal background". They compromised and picked one in the middle. The only thing they ever compromised on and it had to be my education.
“Are you sure she went to Kingsdale? I think I would remember a pair of legs like that, if you know what I mean”
Oh God, I sound like a pervy old man.
“Seriously Joe, you take a horny pill this morning or something?”
“What? No, I’m just saying she’s fit. You remember the fit people from school don’t you?”
“Yeah, Lilly Jane Blightly. Fuck me she was gorgeous. But this girl wasn’t one of the fitties Joe”
“What?”
“Think about it Joe. Think hard.”
My minds still foggy from my mid afternoon nap and I’m not quite catching on quick enough.
“Umm”
“Think about it – she used to have her hair in extensions – messy extensions and people would hide shit in it, well you know not actual shit and they would take bets on how long it would take her to find it, do you remember?”
“Yes?”
“Come on Joe! She would always tell you what the alternative word to the word you were using was”
“Brain Pain!”
“Yes!”
“Shit that’s Brain Pain? She looks fucking fantastic. What’s her real name again?”
“Err, Kimberly – Kimberly Miller”
“Wow”
I flop back down and my minds racing. If Brain Pain could go from an absolute (misunderstood) nightmare to rock hard in your pants gorgeous, then where’s everybody else? If someone saw me right now what would they think? I haven’t done anything in particular with my life. After uni I just coasted, you know, did some travelling to “put things in perspective” and I live off the little money my photography earns me, oh and the monthly “maintenance” my father so kindly provides me with. But I haven’t achieved anything. I’m a waster.
“Apparently she’s a model”
“Really”
“Mmm”
Oh no, Jonie has that face on. She’s gearing up for something juicy, something outrageously mischievous and I’m in. Whatever it is I’m up for it. Let’s do this shit.
“How about we throw a party? We could invite everyone we knew from Kingsdale and some more and then hopefully sexy here will turn up. What do you think?”
“You’d really think she’d turn up?”
“Come on Joe – Facebook! There must be an old Kingsdale group floating about on there. Started probably by some sad, lonely person who thought Kingsdale was the best days of their sorry little lives.”
“That’s a bit deep Jo, but yeah facebook, that’s a good idea, we’ll get on it when we get back yeah?”
“Ah! I’m so excited! This is going to be the best party ever. We should get Nick to DJ.”
“Is he back from Japan?”
“Should be, I’m gonna make a list”
Jonie pulls a notepad and a pen out of the Mary Poppins back pack and starts scribbling. I grab the bag and pull out another beer and a packet of biscuits, I’m so hungry.
I think about Nick. The last time I saw him he was fucked up on coke, spinning an insane set at the Lazy Bear in Islington. After that he burnt out and moved to Japan. If he is back I wouldn’t know about it, Anna made me cut everyone out – well apart from Jonie and it wasn’t done subconsciously. It was slow and deliberate, she picked everyone off one by one, starting with the weak and ending with me.
Before I know it I’ve eaten half the packet of biscuits, which are sub par bourbons. How can you screw up a bourbon? Its chocolate fondant sandwiched in between chocolate biscuits – it’s not fucking rocket science and now my mouth tastes like I’ve made out with a dog. I grab my beer and wash the nasty taste out and throw the bourbons back in the bag – I’ll deal with them later. I look over at Jonie whose hunched over her notebook like a possessive mother cradling her newborn and I make out a ridiculously long list of names, most of which I don’t recognize.
“They all went to Kingsdale?”
“Some. The rest are just people we know.”
“Wow, didn’t know we knew so many people.”
“People like you Joe, even if you don’t like yourself.”
“Cheers.”
“Oh don’t bum yourself out. Eat your biscuits and stop being such a pansy.”
I obey. Jonie is in a fantastical mood and I can never reason with her when she’s like this, I just have to play along. Like when we were 12 and she convinced me to dye my hair bright green – along with my eyebrows. It went horrifyingly wrong and my eyebrows fell out. My mum went suicidal on me and I was teased for a month at school. To this day I don’t think they look the same. I self consciously stroke the right one and then the left and I can feel the little patches where the hair refused to grow back.
“How many people do you think you can fit in your house? And leave your eyebrows alone, they look fine.”
I quickly put my hands back in my lap and do some mental maths. If I move everything of value into one of the top bedrooms and obviously lock said bedroom and push all the furniture to the walls, I guess a hundred.
“Err I dunno, a hundred? Not including the garden.”
“Right.”
Jonie’s manically scribbling away in that damn notebook and I have an urge to grab it, throw it in the lake, set it on fire, feed it page by page to a magpie so it can make it’s nest, anything just to stop her from writing, planning, whittling away my life, moment by moment.
I have a vision of this party going horribly wrong; everyone turns up and expects exciting and witty conversation from me. They think I’m fantastic, that my house is amazing, girls wanna fuck me and boys wanna be me. Then I open my mouth and all I have to say is shit. I spew shit, philosophical, egotistical, melodramatic bullshit and they walk away. They know I’m a fraud and the parties over. I’m nothing, I’m no one, I’m fucked and their laughter leaves a sting in my ears which I will hear for the rest of my life. I can’t breathe. My chest is getting tight and I’m so fucking hot that the air can’t reach my lungs on time, it’s burning on impact and I can smell toast. Shit, that means you’re having a heart attack right? Fuck I’m having a heart attack, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I CAN’T FUCKING BREATHE. Jonie! My tongues heavy with the weight of my fear and I can’t get it to work and I need her to know that I’m not ok. I try to grab for her but my bodies not cooperating. My arms are a separate being to my body and I...I...I... everything goes dark and the only thing I hear is their laughter.
I have a vision of this party going horribly wrong; everyone turns up and expects exciting and witty conversation from me. They think I’m fantastic, that my house is amazing, girls wanna fuck me and boys wanna be me. Then I open my mouth and all I have to say is shit. I spew shit, philosophical, egotistical, melodramatic bullshit and they walk away. They know I’m a fraud and the parties over. I’m nothing, I’m no one, I’m fucked and their laughter leaves a sting in my ears which I will hear for the rest of my life. I can’t breathe. My chest is getting tight and I’m so fucking hot that the air can’t reach my lungs on time, it’s burning on impact and I can smell toast. Shit, that means you’re having a heart attack right? Fuck I’m having a heart attack, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I CAN’T FUCKING BREATHE. Jonie! My tongues heavy with the weight of my fear and I can’t get it to work and I need her to know that I’m not ok. I try to grab for her but my bodies not cooperating. My arms are a separate being to my body and I...I...I... everything goes dark and the only thing I hear is their laughter.
I really enjoyed this piece.
ReplyDeleteI think Sim said it last month, but you do have quite a knack for getting into the male psyche. The characterisation of Joe is completely spot on and I really believe in him as a person. I really liked the comment that all lady's magazines are essentially the same, it's exactly this sort of mild confusion about the ways of women that makes Joe's character so well-rounded.
There's a nice sprinkling of humour in this particular chapter, and I think a lot of that comes from the close relationship that you have constructed between the two main characters. The best example of this is when Joe is thinking about his wonky eyebrows and Joanie says “How many people do you think you can fit in your house? And leave your eyebrows alone, they look fine.” Your sense of humour really shines through here, and I'd really love to see more flashes of familiarity and humour in future chapters. They serve as a nice counterpoint to the main plot.
There's a subtlety to your work now that perhaps wasn't so obvious in the first chapter. I think John mentioned this a few months ago – your work has made the most dramatic improvement since you've been writing with the circle. My favourite example of this subtlety is:
'Through this exchange Jonie hasn’t looked up from her magazine, not once. I find that irritating. She should look at me when we’re talking. Otherwise how am I supposed to know she’s listening to me? Not necessarily all the time, but a bit of eye contact every now and then. Throw a dog a bone for fucks sake.'
The possessiveness with which Joe now regards Joanie is very interesting, perhaps indicative of his fear of losing people he cares about (like his dad) and I'd like to see these complex feelings develop through the rest of the piece. Equally, I am interested in the way that Joe appears to equate success with fame and fortune – is this some comment on the warped aspirations of young people these days, only wanting to be rich and famous, like Brain Pain now appears to be.
There were no typos or glaring grammatical errors in this piece, I wish I had your proof-reading abilities! However, there were a few Americanisms that I thought might need Anglicising. In paragraph 5 Joe talks about 'public school'. Maybe this should be changed to 'a comprehensive' or 'the local secondary school'? Just to make it sound a bit more London and a bit less LA. Similarly in paragraph 9 you say 'I'd made out with a dog.' Maybe this could be changed to 'snogged a dog'? This then has the added bonus of some internal rhyme (what can I say? I'm a sucker for a rhyme!)
Can't wait to see how the story turns next.
Mmm I agree with Leanne in that yur writing has dramaticaly improved, and there certainly are snippits of something really good.
ReplyDeleteHowever Im still finding it hard going.
Joe is always waking up! Dont be afraid of starting a piece mid action/convosation. Your character doesnt have to 'enter stage left'.
Theres a lot of repetition. 'Sleepy' 'gropes' in the same, or folowing sentences to original location. And the one that frustrated me most, Rachel, was 'Joe'! In most of Jonies sentances she says 'Joe'. This simply would not happen Rachel. If everytime I adressed you, Rachel, and said 'Rachel' would it not soon become tiresome to read? Dont you think so Rachel? 13 times, once mispelled, and once in third.
There are a few other convo elements that seem unatural:
“Yeah hold on Joe, they’re in the bag somewhere”
With that she throws me the bag and I dig around"
When she says 'hold on' it implies she is going to get the sunglasses, which he then precedes to do. Nothing major here, but could use smoothing.
"I pull them out, shaking off the crumbs at the same time" the 'at the same time' part makes ths sentance clunky.
"Shit, has she learnt how to read my thoughts. I knew it."
This should be: Shit, has she learnt how to read my thoughts? I knew it. or: Shit, she has learnt how to read my thoughts. I knew it.
There are spacing issues, which are easy to see and sort. Also a continuity issue with the biscuits. Joe clearly states he has finished eating and put them away, then Jonie tells him to eat up.
Photography and his middle class upbringing. These both seem completely out of the blue. By now we shoud already have a good idea of the identity of the characters, details like this shouldnt be a surprise. Unless of course the surprise serves the plot in some critical way (usually found in crime types). His photography could easily be aluded to much earlier by simply having some of his photos in his home, r a camera laying around or film, some such. This ties in with your afore mention lack of description.
His upbringing. Before he seemed more working class than anything. The area he lives in is poor; as shown by the pub, the dealers house, the constant likely hood of theft of his car. His car is a cheap banger, impling ittle personal wealth. His mode of speech. There are lots of things that clash with his family (or father)having wealth, and a private school education.
“Come on Joe – Facebook! There must be an old Kingsdale group floating about on there. Started probably by some sad, lonely person who thought Kingsdale was the best days of their sorry little lives.”
“That’s a bit deep Jo, but yeah facebook, that’s a good idea, we’ll get on it when we get back yeah?”
Deep? DEEP? This struck me as extremly shallow! Is this intended to show the characters being shallow? This clashes with the idea of them being the misjudged outsider types, but does lend them humanity. If diagreable!
bedroom and push all the furniture to the walls, I guess a hundred.
“Err I dunno, a hundred? Not including the garden.”
A nicer way of doing this, to avoid clunky repetion, woud be t allow his inner monologue to blend with his speech.
bedroom and push all the furniture to the walls...
“Err I guess, a hundred? Not including the garden.”
I haves some q's on direction and the ending, but this is already very long! I'll wait to see what others comment.
@ Ashley - did you read Chapter 4? It explains where Joe lives, his family life etc and gives you a lot more backstory which would answer your questions. Also chapter 5 is a continuation of chapter 4. Hence the note I've put at the top asking if they should just be one chapter.
ReplyDeleteI'll take on board your repition notes - to be honest they didn't bother me and as per the discussion on chapter 4 of Joe, I have written the way Joe would speak so there will be bits that don't feel completely right but are natural to his character. Also Joe is a spitting image of some of the people I a. know and b. come across frequently. The reason why he has such a crappy car is becuase he earnt the money to buy it himself - that is why he is so fond of it. His dad could have bought him a fantastic car but as their realtionship is so sour Joe wouldn't have accepted it. I think you need to read chapter 4.
Ash says - "Deep? DEEP? This struck me as extremly shallow! Is this intended to show the characters being shallow? This clashes with the idea of them being the misjudged outsider types, but does lend them humanity. If diagreable"
The word "deep" is a slang word used in London by people in Joes aged group. It has many meanings and can mean someone who is a deep thinker but it also means someone has made a remark that is nasty, cutting and uncalled for - which Jonie did. I hope that clears that up for you.
I'm guessing you just don't like this story, which is fair enough it's not going to appeal to everyone and that's not what I'm aiming for anyway.
@ Leanne thanks for your comment I'm glad you enjoyed reading this one - I've also noticed the change in my writing - to be honest the first 3 chapters were written over 3 years ago - I have (hopefully) changed too, so I guess it's influencing the way I write.
I've been thinking about this all day so to clarify to anyone who may have similar questions about the novel, they are answered as follows.
ReplyDelete-Firstly this novel is a studied on how one person can be so introverted and self obsessed. So sometimes there will not be a lot description because that's just how Joe sees the world. In this way the story feels more claustrophobic and centered on Joe because that's the way it's meant to be. It is a reflection of his thoughts and his character. For instance when Joe ends a thought with a question he is in fact asking himself and not the "audience".
- Secondly, the reason why Joe refers to Jonie as "Jo" and essentialy why there are two "Jo/e's" in the story is because he thinks of her as an extenstion of himself. If you've noticed she is the only other main character because she is the only one he feels he needs around (apart from Anna, but if you've noticed he's transfered his feelings for Anna to Jonie and as of yet we haven't actually met Anna - or his mum and he loves her too!)
Also sometimes I know it seems disjointed and some of the writing may not seem "realsistic" but it is written in a natural way. It is meant to be read how he speaks. I do admit that in places I do have spacing problems but in other places it is to reflect the confusion in Joes thoughts.
Please bear in mind this is only a second draft, there are a lot more drafts needed on this peice and I do take everyone's comments on board. If you have a question feel free to ask me.
Ok, favourite bit comes right at the start: "colonies of forgotten biscuits" I don't know why I love that, but I do. It's the silly little aside that makes my brain chuckle but also turns 'man searching through bag' into something enjoyable and entertaining.
ReplyDeleteRight. I have one issue with this piece, slightly mollified by your explanation that you're highlighting the egoistic aspects of Joe. Principally, it seems as if the lad is heavily bipolar. Every chapter seems to bounce him from delirious highs to crashing lows. Previous chapter he was experiencing a sexual revelation about his best mate, now he's having a panic attack about a party. I'm not complaining about him having these extremes, it's the quick changes between the states coinciding with the changing of the chapters. I think you're definitely right in attaching this to previous chapter as it would blur this boundary as the change would happen within a wider text.
Now I've gotten that off my chest, I can be more complimentary, because there is so much to like about your work. I will agree with the others in that you've come along in your work chapter by chapter. It's actually more like the quality was always there, but it has become clearer and cleaner with every outing. Your characterizations were always strong, so good in fact that we can sit here and pick apart the undercurrents and subtexts of their behavior - They're that good we can psycho-analyse them!
The introduction of the public school background doesn't phase me - I had no preconceptions about Joe. Maybe because it's because I live in London, specifically South London, and am familiar with Clapham and the areas this is set in, means I didn't connect apparent wealth/area with background - London is like that in that apart from the ultra-swanky areas you have extreme variations of quality in areas just by walking down different streets. Personally I live in a nice leafy street which is home to families and young professionals. It is also located in Brixton where crime and low-income groups are unfortunately common.
I'd say Joe's more well-to-do background explains perhaps why he isn't your stereotypical 'geezer' bloke - He's nervous, for the most part well-spoken, and whilst he has experience in the lower squalls of society (I'm thinking of their visit to the drug dealer) he's not overly comfortable with it. But I digress (as it's 4am)...
I enjoy your text-as-speech approach, something I have used myself, particularly with my character of Jeremy who is also an insular type, though more extreme than Joe. Stream of consciousness writing can go badly wrong if in the wrong hands, As John has pointed out to me before, but you tread the line just right, letting us see the whirling cogs of Joe's brain, the same at speed considerations and precognitive panics that affect most of us.
As ever, loving your work, and am very much looking forward to having Joe deal with a wider social situation - Joe and Jonie are great characters but I'm hungry for some new dynamics!
Get to it!
I think the new dynamics will present themselves in the form of a party yeah, Rachel?
ReplyDeleteI found it an exciting challenge to write the many characters that graced Octobers Spiderfingers (The Show) as their interaction with Steph revealed more about her to you guys.
Maybe its time to have other ways of seeing Joe?
When Jonie uses Joe's name I think she is doing it consciously in a demeaning/patronising way...purposefully. If I'm wrong and that isn't the case then have her not use his name as it is unnatural. Would like to know anyone else's thoughts on this.
I have to agree with Ashley on the whole Joe-waking-up and now we can have action principal. I figure all of her comments were offered to help rather than hinder - your story in essence wasn't under any subjective judgement and I can only wish that the same scrutiny is used upon The Show once Ash has the time.
I find it hard to empathise with Joe as he is so pathetic now. Is that your plan? Don't take it too far as he is the protagonist and as far as I can see doesn't have a 'fake' protagonist waiting in the wings to keep my interest (Spiderfingers was the fake lead character till Steph's story began to rise and attempt to eclipse his...).
Maybe it is time to introduce a more likeable pal for joe who maybe he routinely ignores but is nonetheless there for him? Would mirror his slavedom to Jonie VERY well.
I struggle so very fucking hard not to tell people what Spiderfingers is about in these comment boxes and can only sympathise with your need and capitulation to 'explain' what you're doing with Joe. Explanations can and ought to be decoded by an active audience and I really wish you'd not told me what I had previously suspected and was beginning to appreciate. As I said, I feel your anxiety and have resorted to the odd tit bit of info.
Loved Joe getting uptight about the party and sincerely hope he does freak out. Am I a sadist? Nope! I'm a reader, and if the party goes well I'll be let down.
I get that your earlier stuff was done sometime ago and was wondering what you made of a mention of his photography earlier on? I liked the 'reveal' of his mixed race but think his day to day has come out of the blue.
Well that's us....what do you think Carla?