...Joe

So this is the first chapter of the infamous novel. It's a couple of weeks before the "deadline", but I already had it written so I thought why not?

The story is told through the main character Joe and it's about his life and how easy it is to get wrapped up in yourself and others etc. I'm also trying to explore the idea of infatuation and what happens when you take it just a step too far. This isn't a great description, I'm hoping the work will speak for itself. Remember this is only the 2nd draft! Enjoy.

Untitled

I feel like I’m constantly holding my breath. As if the air around me is stagnant, and if I breathe it in, I’ll never be able to breathe again.

***

Chapter One

As she lay completely still in my arms, I wondered, is this it? Is this all there is? Am I not able to offer her anymore then a quick fuck underneath the stars in a strange man’s garden? Why me? Why this? I can feel myself getting angrier and angrier – but what’s the point, it always comes back to this, back to her, back to this sordid liaison. I can’t lie like this, not with her, not any longer.

“Anna” I whisper “Anna, wake up, it’s 3am, and I need to go.”

She doesn’t stir, so I brush her hair gently away from her face in a desperate attempt to wake her.

“Anna – fuck baby I can’t leave you here by yourself.”

“Go without me” she mumbles sleepily.

With desperation so strong it even makes me sick “You know I can’t do that”. But why can’t I – why can’t I leave her here?

She turns away from me and I know that once again I’m going to have to carry her – to play the hero, not that she’ll remember in the morning – she never remembers in the morning.

It’s a struggle but I manage to get her into my car. We had so many good times in this car, but I have no time to reminisce, she has that look on her face and I know that once she wakes up… I try not to think about it, I put my foot on the gas and head for home.

“Joe?” Anna’s awake and by the sound of it, she’s in a good mood.

“Yea hun?”

“Why the fuck haven’t you strapped me in?”

Are you serious, are you FUCKING SERIOUS? I try to mask the anger that’s rising in me, but my face is burning red and my palms are sweating.

“Well?” she says, with that look, I fucking hate that look.

“Sorry babe, I wasn’t thinking”, but I was thinking, so clearly, so very, very clearly.

“Well” Anna says slowly, “what if we had an accident and YOU ran into a car, and MY head went through the windscreen? How would you feel then?” She spits that last sentence out with so much malice that I can practically feel the upholstery melting and all I can do is wish. Wish that what she was saying would come true and I would be so grateful. Grateful that she would finally stop looking at me, stop looking at me for good. She’s waiting for an answer, I can tell, but there isn’t one I could give her that could make this situation any better. I try and concentrate on the road, but her eyes are staring at me, bulging, demanding an answer that I just can’t give. Eventually she turns towards the window, obviously pissed. I reach to turn the radio on, but just as quickly she turns it off. For the rest of the ride we drive in silence, a sound so familiar between the two of us. I pull up to her house slowly with the lights off, the same as always. 

I turn towards Anna trying my best to reconcile her mood, “Baby?” I reach out to touch her arm but she instinctively pulls it away from me as if she’s just been bitten.

“Anna?” 

Without saying a word she gets out and slams the door. Fuck, she knows not to do that, she knows how fragile Lola is, she was there when I, when we. I can’t think about it. 

I take my cue to leave from the oh-so ritualized curtain twitch her parents have perfected and crank up Lola, hearing her purr appreciatively - at least I can turn something on. I decide to take the long way home and I find myself going past our old hangouts, on the good side of the river as we; me and Anna, used to call it. I slow down when I reach Eddies and The Hole, each facing each other off on the corner and completely identical in look, but were two of the best places to get in if 1. You’re under age and 2. You’re under age. It’s not the greatest place in London but the drinks are cheap and the music’s good, as long as you don’t mind the sweatbox feel and the smell of 24hr musk. The Hole was the first place I took Anna, we were 16 and it was our first date. I can still remember how close our bodies were, the taste her lips left on mine, the way her breathe was so hot on my neck. 

My daydreams interrupted by an inpatient driver behind me, clearly pissed off at my 5mph driving. I wave him round me and he zooms past as if the devil himself were chasing him. I take one last look at The Hole and catch the eye of the bouncer, who by now is looking at me suspiciously.

By the time I get home the sun’s threatening to rise and all I can think about is my bed and how much I want to wrap myself in my duvet and sleep for an eternity. Everything aches. This night has been too long and it seems by the look of it it’s going to get a little longer. I check that Lola’s okay and head towards the shadowy figure sitting on my doorstep, fear rising swiftly in my throat. I quickly scan through all the possible midnight callers and finally realise who it is and breathe a sigh of relief; I wasn’t prepared for a midnight tussle.

“Jonie?” I say, already knowing the answer, but my misty mood needs confirmation.

“Joe?” she says slowly “Where the fuck have you been?”

“Jonie…I….umm, well” I say stumbling to find the right words that don’t include Anna, back garden and drunken sex.

“Oh God” Jonie says already knowing what I’ve been trying to hide; “You were with her weren’t you? For fuck sake Joe she’s playing you, she-“

Before she can finish I try to cut in, but Jonie’s too quick for me, tricks like that don’t get past her. She raises her hand to me and I can tell she’s carefully picking her words, you know, for maximum impact.

“Look Joe, she’s a fucking whore beast, for fuck sake she, no, you know what, I’m done talking” she wipes her hands in a signifying gesture and stands gesturing towards the door with her head – the only way Jonie can, that it’s now time to go in and crash. 

I laugh quietly to myself, whore beast – that’s a new one, Jonie must have been storing that one, waiting for the right time to use it. I watch Jonie struggling with the great mound of bags she has and forget that there must be a reason to why she’s here, again.  

“Jonie, what happened?” I say tentatively, picking up a few bags, trying to guess the heaviest.  

“Alex kicked me out, she says that she needs time to find herself” Jonie says mockingly, putting on a posh accent she continues “and how can one possibly find oneself whilst being, attached” spitting out the last word bluntly she turns away from me, trying to hide her face, but I can see fresh tears glistening in her already puffy eyes.

“Jo, I’m sorry, but you know that this, that she’s, not good for you” I say, trying my best to make my voice sound convincing, but I can’t stand this; I can’t stand seeing Jonie like this. In fact I’ve only seen Jonie like this once and that was in Year 9 when Lucy Mulgrave spread a vicious rumour that Jonie was a serial slag, since then she’s never let her emotions run away from her. Seeing her like this breaks my heart. 

Alex and Jonie have been “going out” for nearly 3 years now and she always pulls this on Jonie, every time something attractive comes along, Alex spits out this rehearsed speech like a well trained actor. Find herself my arse, she’s found herself alright and it took six different women to help her. 

“Joe, please” Jonie says nearly sobbing, as if somehow she’s in my head and has heard my stream of consciousness, “I just want to go to bed and forget about this, about this whole evening” with that she turns and faces the door, as if it will miraculously open, just by sheer willpower. 

I know this isn’t over, but for now I don’t push it. I slowly stand up behind her, my muscles aching for the warmth of my bed, and open the door, wondering where her keys have gone to, but by the looks of it she picked up everything but them. 

“Could you grab the rest of my bags” Jonie says, trying to stifle her rising hysteria.

I nod at her, she knows that it’s a given but I guess in the state she’s in, she needs to know that one thing in her life is a sure thing. I pick up the rest of her bags and give Lola the old once over to check that there’s no one dodgy hanging round and make my way up the stairs to my well deserved rest. 

By the time I reach my room Jonie’s already curled up on the good side of the bed, facing away from me and I realize that in this light, in this moment of time, she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I feel my heart twinge and I wonder why, but I shake it off, it’s just me being sentimental I guess, at least I hope it is. I go up to the window and watch the sun poking its head out of the clouds and I slowly close the curtains on her sepia silhouette. Time for a cup of tea I think and make my way down to the kitchen.