A
Series of Coincidences.
“She said we're going to die.”
“No she didn't”
“Yes she did. She said “Jake and
Ettal you two are going to die. I am going to be the one who kills
you. Unless you can
tell me the end of this riddle.”
“What? She never said that!”
“Yes she did! We couldn't understand
her because it was in Finnish.”
“But we don't speak Finnish!”
“Exactly! Remember when that old dude
said we should take Finnish lessons because one day it would save our
lives and we said sure, okay and he said he was a teacher and would
give us lessons for free and to be at his house for six and he gave
us his address and we didn't turn up because we thought he was a
perve and wanted to touch our junk and shit and oh man I feel light
headed...”
“BREATHE JAKE!”
“I'm okay, no really I am. Stop looking
at me like that Ettal, your eyes have gone all wide again, just like
the last time...”
“I'm sorry Jake but do you know what
this is?”
“No, what?”
“It's a COINCIDENCE JAKE!”
“Oh no, no, no, no, no...”
“Okay calm down, stand still, stop
waving your arms around Jake you look like a lunatic.”
“I can't help it Ett. I don't know if I
can handle another coincidence, it's been so long since the last one
and that was...that was...I can't do it again Ett.”
“Yes you can. All we have to do is
find that old dude and we have to learn Finnish, like now!”
“Right, your right Ett.”
“I know.”
“Okay so where did we leave that
address?”
“Umm...”
“Think Ettal!”
“AHHHHH!”
“THINK ETTAL!”
“Jeans, blue, Tuesday – Tuesday's
jeans!”
“Let's go, your house, RUN!”
* * *
“Jake...Jake...I...can't...run...can't...breathe...”
“Come...on...Ett...just...two...more...streets...”
“We...should...have...taken...the...bus...”
“I...KNOW!
Just...stop...talking...and...keep...running...”
* * *
“What happened on Tuesday?”
“I woke up, stretched, yawned and
stretched. I then stood up, stretched, yawned and stretched. After I
looked around my room...”
“FOCUS!”
“Err sorry, okay, whenever I take my
jeans off I throw them over there, in that pile of semi- dirty
clothes by the window and so it should be there.”
“Dive Ettal!”
“Oww.zipper.in.my.eye. Am I bleeding?”
“No, now dig in, we have to find those
jeans!”
“Right. These are Mondays, Saturdays,
Fridays, Wednesdays...Jake, their not here.”
“What...?”
“Their not here. My mum must have been
doing a sniff test again and Tuesdays jeans should have been in the
really dirty pile but I threw them in the semi-dirty pile because I
thought I could get at least one more week out of them.”
“Noooo!”
“Jake, get off your knees. It's not
that bad.”
“I just don't want to die, you heard
what she said.”
“Well us flapping our arms about and
making noises like a demented whale isn't going to help us not die
now is it?”
“No. It just feels so hopeless”
“Stop sobbing and get up, it's not
hopeless. All we have to do is check if my mums gone to her
laundrette yet.”
“Okay....”
“THEN RUN JAKE!”
“WHERE ETTAL?”
“The high street of course.”
“Of course!”
* * *
“We...should...stop...running...everywhere...”
“Stop...whining...Jake...and...run...”
“STITCH...STITCH!”
“Run...through...it...”
“Uh...oww...oww...”
* * *
“Can you see her?”
“I can't see through the glass, it's
all steamy.”
“We're going to have to go in. Ready?”
“I'm never ready Jake.”
“Deep breath.”
“Okay, so she usually uses machine
number seven, it's her favourite one – look for it.”
“There, over there Ett, on the other
side of the shop talking to the lady with the blue frizzy hair.”
“Mrs Anderson. Time to manoeuvre
yourself Jake”
“Excuse me, pardon me...sorry I just
need, gonna squeeze through here...”
“MOVE OUT OF OUR WAY IT'S AN
EMERGENCY!”
“Ettal! Manners!”
“Sorry. Guess I got a bit carried
away.”
“Mrs Blatt!”
“Mum, stop the machines!”
“What? Ettal, Jake? What are you
both on about?”
“Jeans, in the semi- dirty pile...”
“But they weren't semi-dirty...”
“They were properly dirty...”
“And they have a piece of paper in the
back left pocket...”
“A very important piece of paper...”
“That could potentially save our
lives!”
“You two aren't making an ounce of
sense. I have not picked up any jeans from your room today. Maybe
you've misplaced them.”
“Noooo!”
“Jake get off the floor.”
“Yeah Jake get off the floor.”
“But you don't understand Ettal,
without those jeans, without that piece of paper she's going
to...AHHH! There she is! Window! WINDOW!”
“AHHHH! HIDE JAKE HIDE!”
“What the hell are you two doing?
Ettal Blatt get out of that laundry basket immediately! Jacob
Jones if you do not let go of Mrs Anderson I will be forced to call
your mother! You two are behaving like wild animals, now out! Out of
my shop and go behave like normal children.”
“No, Mrs Blatt, please, you don't
understand, this is a matter of life and death!”
“I will show you what a matter of
life and death looks like Jacob Jones. You have five seconds to
extract yourself from around Mrs Andersons waist and out of my
shop!”
“Mum!”
“5!”
“Mrs Blatt...”
“4!”
“Come on Jake, quick, she's got crazy
eyes.”
“3!”
“But...but...but...”
“2!”
“We're going!”
“1!”
* * *
“You're mums intense Jake.”
“Tell me about it.”
“How long will it take before I get the
feeling back in my ears?”
“A couple of hours – tops”
“She got a good grip on them though.”
“Yeah I call it the iron claw.”
“Wait...Ett, where did creepy Finnish
woman go?”
“Oh man...I don't know...”
“Jake ja Ettal...”
“AHHHHHH!”
“sinulla on kaksi tuntia. Jos et
voi kertoa minulle vuoden arvoitus minä
tapan sinut.”
“What did she say? Jake? Let go off my
legs you weirdo.”
“Sorry Ett. Survival instinct. I
haven't got a clue what she just said, but I think I need to go home
and change my jeans.”
“Eww.”
* * *
“I'm glad we took the bus this time.”
“Yeah, I don't think I could run in my
condition.”
“Eww...”
* * *
“Okay change your jeans and lets get
going.”
“I'll be fifteen minutes.”
“What? Why?”
“I need to shower Ett.”
* * *
“Finally!”
“Sorry...”
“Just for the record that was not
fifteen minutes..”
“I know but I was feeling really
dirty.”
“Wait a sec, those are my jeans!”
“No their not!”
“Yes, those are my Tuesday jeans!”
“No Ettal these are mine.”
“Fine but just check the back left
pocket.”
“Oh wow...”
“Well?”
“Yeah these are your jeans Ett and I
think I just found what we've been looking for...”
“Open it then Jake!”
“Okay, okay, wait...my hands are too
sweaty, you do it.”
“It is it Jake, we've found it!”
“Sweet mercy, we're saved!”
“Call the number Jake.”
“No you do it.”
“Why me?”
“Because your name comes first –
alphabetically, duh.”
“Fine. You got me on a technicality,
you happy?”
“Very.”
“Pass me the phone then.”
“Come on dial faster.”
“Okay, it's ringing...”
“I think I may need to change my jeans
again...”
“Don't you even think about it Jake, I
swear I'll...hello? Hi, is this, wait, what's the name again –
Jake, come on, what's the name? Well it's your handwriting!”
“Hello? Who is this?”
“Sorry sir, my names Ettal Blatt and I
don't know if you remember but you told me and my friend Jakob
Jones...”
“What, why are you telling him my
name?”
“Ettal and Jake? I remember the
two of you. You were about to be pursued by a tall , blonde Finnish
woman who was going to kill you if you didn't tell her the end of
the riddle.”
“Yes! That's us!”
“So?”
“He remembers us Jake.”
“Well what's he going to do about it?
He needs to teach us Finnish, tell him he needs to teach us Finnish
Ettal.”
“Err yeah, so about teaching us
Finnish...?”
“Get here in an hour.”
“But she said we only had two hours
half an hour ago.”
“Then you better get moving. I'm
on Elmsfleet Street. Number twelve. I'll be waiting...”
“But, hello? Dammit.”
“What? What did he say?”
“We have to get to him within the hour
but he's at least forty five minutes away and that's if we were
driving – do you know how to drive Jake? DO YOU?!”
“Calm down Ett, we'll make it. Stop
tugging at your hair like that. Remember what happened the last time
you did that?”
“Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me
Jake.”
“Anytime. So now that we're both calm,
lets get to that creepy old dudes house.”
“How?”
“By any means necessary.”
* * *
“I...don't...think...bikes...were...a...good...idea...”
“Shut...up...and...peddle...”
“Didn't...you...know...the...East...side...of...town...was...all...hills?”
“I...forgot...okay?!”
“This...is...stupid...”
* * *
“Knock harder Ett, he could be deaf.”
“How hard do you want me to knock Jake?
I'm practically ripping the top coat off the door.”
“HELLLLLOOOOO? MR ERRR, MR...what's his
name again Ett?”
“I don't know Jake and stop shouting,
you're drawing attention to us.”
“Whose there?”
“It's err Jake and Ettal sir, we spoke
on the phone.”
“Oh yes, the two boys being chased
by a Finn. Hahahaha.”
“I don't think this is a good idea
Jake...”
“Shut up Ett, you may want to die but I
don't.”
“Hold on, let me undo these
locks...”
“Could you hurry please sir, we only
have half an hour to go and I don't know how hard Finnish is to learn
but I doubt either of us could...oh!”
“Hello boys.”
“I think I need to change my jeans
again Ett.”
“Stop it Jake.”
“Come in boys. As you said before
time is precious, we need to press on.”
“Ett, he looks like...”
“I know but he may not be...”
“Come on boys, don't dawdle, we
have work to do.”
* * *
“I'm scared Jake.”
“You were the one that said it was
fine, now don't start freaking out please.”
“I can't help it, it's this room. Why
does he have to have so many portraits of himself? I feel like I'm
being watched...”
“So, what were her exact words?”
“Well sir, that's the problem. We don't
know because it was in...Finnish...Ett stop looking at him like
that.”
“Sorry...”
“Hmm. I know this woman well. I
also know a lot of Finnish riddles and she wouldn't have giving
you one if you hadn't pissed her off.”
“You know her?”
“Ett...”
“How? How do you know her? WHAT IS
THIS?”
“Ett, calm down...”
“No Jake, I want answers, stop laughing
you creepy git. I want to go home Jake.”
“You can't leave. If you do she
will kill you.”
“Shit, shit, shit, shit...”
“Sit down Ett. SIT! Now mister...err
what exactly is your name?”
“My name is of no concern...”
“Yeah like that's not creepy serial
killer talk...”
“Ett...”
“Fine Jake!”
“Thank you. Um so err sir, I think the
riddle had something to do with...us? We were arguing over who could
down their can of lemonade faster and Ettal accidentally snorted some
of his all over her.”
“Technically Jake, technically it
wasn't my fault. If you weren't making that face...”
“Ha! Well the most common riddle
ends like this...”
* * *
“Okay, so do you remember the exact
words?”
“Yeah I think so Jake. Sorry about what
happened back there...I sort of lost my cool...”
“Sort of? You were a freaking nut ball
in a squirrel house.”
“You have an unhealthy attachment to
squirrel analogy. But I'm sorry.”
“All forgiven. Now we have two minutes.
He said she was coming here, so prepare yourself Ett.”
“I'm ready Jake.”
“Oh monkeys, there she is!”
“I'M NOT READY JAKE!”
“Niin?”
“Err...”
“I think I need a new pair of
jeans...Does she have to carry a bazooka? It's not like she'll miss
us if we're wrong...”
“Calm it Ett...umm...olet kana?”
“NO! NO JAKE! That's just making her
angry.”
“Err what did he say again?”
“She's raising the bazooka, I don't
want to die like this Jake.”
“OK ETT. I've got it...mies etsii
vettä, mutta löytää
illusio.”
“onnekas arvaus. Te saatte elää
sillä nyt.”
“She's leaving. You've done it! Yes!
Sweet freedom!”
“That was so close Ett. Now what did
that old dude say about Sunday?...”
