tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3141275416604762595.post6405457582649694337..comments2014-11-10T00:21:12.627+00:00Comments on Rachel Writes...: ...Joe - Chapter 4Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17854694161329614725noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3141275416604762595.post-84917909425203499142011-11-20T22:50:40.681+00:002011-11-20T22:50:40.681+00:00I think both points are valid points and before I ...I think both points are valid points and before I had even written chapter 4, everyone on here was saying they needed more description about Joe and the other cahracters etc so I wrote his race in. <br /><br />You have to bear in mind that Joe thinks his dad left because of Joe and Joe's race but it could have been any reason - one not necessarily to do wiht Joe but as a young child that is the conclusion he came to especaially as his dad started a new family. It would naturally create feelings of abandonment and resentment and a feeling of loss. <br /><br />Who knows? We shall see how it unfolds I guess.<br /><br />Thanks for the comments they are as always, very usefull. <br /><br />@John - no never read any of the Adrian Mole stories - they never really caught my eye. Also the prose is meant to be read how a "normal" person would speak - if that makes sense.Rachelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17854694161329614725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3141275416604762595.post-62256534120031823662011-11-20T22:16:58.745+00:002011-11-20T22:16:58.745+00:00“I have to disagree with Carla in that the 're...“I have to disagree with Carla in that the 'reveal' of Joe's ethnicity pushes the reader into re-evaluating his character.”<br /><br />Being abandoned by a parent is tough enough, but if what it comes down to is the fact that it’s obviously about ethnicity... I mean think about the implications that would have on a teenager/or child of that age. It would strike a pretty damaging image at such a young age. I felt that this act of abandonment here would ultimately play a large part in his relationships later in life. I just feel that this could great for character development and was merely suggesting Rachael played on it.<br /><br />Yeah, I’ll go away now, this is not my story. ;)Cloverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16542742253032170846noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3141275416604762595.post-72417937187572284552011-11-20T19:39:04.902+00:002011-11-20T19:39:04.902+00:00There is a big leap in ability between this chapte...There is a big leap in ability between this chapter and the first. More description, guile, subtly and above all revelation of motivation that for me at least further justifies the relaxed and easy paced plotting. Bravo!<br /><br />I have to disagree with Carla in that the 'reveal' of Joe's ethnicity pushes the reader into re-evaluating his character. I have more sympathy for him now and its not so easy to detest his constant whining and self-hate. In a way, Joe reminds me of Steph 'Spiderfingers' Tent! So yeah, this bit was my fav: <br /><br />'And there was me, standing on the outside, my slightly afro hair not swaying in the wind, the colour of my skin not blending in with his idea of perfect. I saw it, I felt it from him, so I turned my back on him like he did to me and I haven’t looked back since.' <br /><br />Here's another:<br />'My hearts pounding, what the fuck does she mean? Have we gone back to biblical times and I’m Jacob and she’s Rachel and we need to lie together to make a baby but we can’t because something’s gone wrong.'<br /><br />Was down the pub the other night with Sim and he mentioned that he admires the way you describe boys really well. You've truly observed them well as the whole incident at the park is a chapter out of any boys life. Have you read any of the Adrian Mole books by Sue Townsend? I used to love reading those stories and man - the T.V series was great in its adaptation of a worrier coming of age.<br /><br />@ Leanne: I see what you're saying about this -<br /><br />'Zoo, trampoline, paint-balling, cinema, theatre, arcade, gallery – museum? But they all sound lame and take way too much energy, which I, of course, have none of.'<br /><br />...But some if not a lot of people talk this way so I'd say take the Grammar Nazi hat off! Bad grammar has its place.<br /><br />I'm keen for an event or incident to happen in the next chapter but I'd like to think your prose has improved even further than this to warrant another 'day in the life' type story.John Clayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06230030495787135904noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3141275416604762595.post-42870789996427352922011-11-20T18:04:36.384+00:002011-11-20T18:04:36.384+00:00I really like the fact that we’re getting to see m...I really like the fact that we’re getting to see more of Joe in this chapter.<br /><br />My only negative is, I think you should mention Joe’s appearance in the first chapter, or at the very latest – the second. Cause an audience will build up their own ideas of what the character looks like if you don’t tell them. Unless, of course, it’s unimportant to you as an author whether the reader knows these things. However, because it seems to me that you’re telling us that Joe’s white father left to pursue a ‘perfect family’ of blondes in the US, I think you should bring it up sooner – cause it’s also about Joe’s feeling of abandonment, security etc and he’d be feeling all these things from the start of the story, so if there is a significant reason for this i.e. his father leaving, that should be brought up subtly in previous chapters. (This is just my opinion, others may disagree, and I’d like to know what they think).<br /><br />“I fucking hate the northern line it’s a load of bollocks, the trains are always packed and there is always some fucker on there vying for your seat. Every time you move, even if it’s just to scratch your arse, they twitch, ready at any moment to pounce.” Great description of the Northern Line – and the tube in general.<br /><br />Jumping aboard the grammar and spelling bandwagon: “We get on and the trains relatively...” should be an apostrophe in “train’s”. There are a few others that people have already mentioned so I won’t go too deep. I think, like me, you need to read through once or twice to check for errors.<br /><br />Other than that I really enjoyed it.Cloverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16542742253032170846noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3141275416604762595.post-1581600707431182722011-11-01T22:39:28.429+00:002011-11-01T22:39:28.429+00:00Once again you capture a guy's perspective ver...Once again you capture a guy's perspective very well. The reeling off of things to do in a vain hope of them will be 'right' or to get some kind of unforthcoming input is a feeling I have experienced often. That said, Joe's internal response 'Jonie always had the best ideas' makes him sound like such a whuss. I'd expect more a sense of relief that the decision had been made and the y could move on.<br /><br />I'll join the grammatical train, even though I hate doing it: "Even there house felt perfect" should be their rather than there. Also that sentence seems like it should it should be two sentences.<br /><br />I'm gonna disagree, I've kinda felt like there was something between Joe and Jonie (if not reciprocated) for the last few chapters - Principally because he cares so much about her and she can get him so fucked off that he has to care about her. The sexual element obviously comes to the fore in this chapter, but things like that can happen suddenly - I've known people for years without thinking of them that way, and you can suddenly realise there is an attraction there from a look, a comment, or even just a moment of introspection. Yes, it's a quick ramping up of emotion, but I think it works and drives the story along.<br /><br />Jonie is also about as insensitive as Joe is, so they work well together, and are (in that respect) totally believable as characters). <br /><br />The tube panic section is good. I think it would work well even if you haven't been on the tube specifically, and I've certainly had those thoughts when you get an extra cram of passengers when there really isn't any bloody room! The Jonie reassurance element too is a very strong element of affection, and could be given as a platonic thing, but could quite easily add to his feelings later in the chapter, so I can see why the bit is there.<br /><br />As I've said before the strength of your writing is the believability of the characters. We're just following them along in their lives, no mad plots or MacGuffin's, we just see them dealing with things in a snapshot of their existence. Great work, and as ever I look forward to the next chapter.Ginger Geekhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03597885674531142077noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3141275416604762595.post-78542517940186741342011-10-31T18:37:16.731+00:002011-10-31T18:37:16.731+00:00I must have missed something from last month's...I must have missed something from last month's posting. I was sure Joe and Jonie were a couple! Anyways, I like this month's posting better than last month's. Your use of language is an improvement from last month and your characters too are a great improvement from last month. I see a soft,even though hurting side to Joe and Jonie.The part where Jonie, rubbed Joe's thumb on the train to keep him calm,shows her strong, perceptive and considerate.This month, I like Jonie. We all want a friend like her,one who knows us from time immemorial, warts and all and still loves us!Quehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09621053625002991005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3141275416604762595.post-6213916976214941942011-10-28T20:28:22.704+01:002011-10-28T20:28:22.704+01:00I will definitely take on board your comments rega...I will definitely take on board your comments regarding Joe and Jonie's relationship and his sudden interest in her - I was wondering how to write it and the comparison between Jonie and Anna would be a good way to do it so thank you! <br /><br />Grammatical errors will be changed! <br /><br />I will keep adding little bits of back story as the main story progresses - I ddin't want the reader to feel swamped by too much information so I'm glad it's piqued your interest!Rachelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17854694161329614725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3141275416604762595.post-69727939783053735702011-10-28T20:03:03.198+01:002011-10-28T20:03:03.198+01:00Hi Rachel,
I enjoyed this piece, and I particular...Hi Rachel,<br /><br />I enjoyed this piece, and I particularly like the description of Joe's claustrophobia on the tube – it's a really vivid depiction which not only serves to give us more information about Joe as a character, but also gives you as the writer an opportunity to display the tender relationship between Joe and Joanie. <br /><br />I'm really interested in how Joe's feelings for Joanie have changed over the course of the narrative. I really like the way you've added in elements of their shared childhoods, in order to flesh out their personalities and their friendship, however, Joe's feelings for Joanie seem to have come on very suddenly. A few chapters before, he was pining for Anna and now he has switched his affections without so much as mentioning Anna. This doesn't seem very plausible to me. I think it might work better if:<br />a) Joe gave more of an indication of his feelings for Joanie in preceding chapters and<br />b) Joe compared Joanie and Anna in chapter 4 – to show that he is coming to the realisation that he has feelings for both women.<br />This might give Joe's blossoming feelings for Joanie more context and make them seem more realistic. <br /><br />A couple of grammatical bits and pieces:<br /><br />1. In paragraph 4, the sentence 'But they all sound lame and take way too much energy, which I, of course, have none of.' is a little bit muddled. Maybe try 'But they all sound lame and take way too much energy – not that I have any of that to spare.' Then you're not ending a sentence on a preposition.<br /><br />2. In paragraph 6, the word bodies should be replaced by body's so that it reads 'I’m gulping down air, I feel like my body's going into shock and I swear my balls are freezing.' This is because Joe's body isn't plural (he doesn't have more than one.)<br /><br />I liked the back-story that you've added to this chapter, it really puts flesh onto the bones of your characters. I'm interested in what will happen to these two characters - my sense of curiosity has been piqued, so that's great. I'm looking forward to the next instalment! :)Crimson Ebolghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09980522480303126393noreply@blogger.com